Torn Dad Considers Revealing Daughter's 'Serious' Secret to Her Boyfriend Before He Proposes

Motortion/iStock.com

Dad and son-in-law
Motortion/iStock.com

One dad posed a real head scratcher to the internet after he confessed that he wasn't sure what to do about his daughter, who is a diagnosed sociopath. Although the woman has made progress since her sociopathy diagnosis, she refuses to tell her boyfriend (and likely future fiancé) about her condition, and her dad has always felt that this was just wrong. But as their relationship progresses and gets more serious, he's torn if he should speak up. Would he be wrong to go behind her back and let her boyfriend know the truth before he proposes? So he can go into the marriage knowing everything?

  • Since his daughter was first diagnosed with her personality disorder, he says she has made progress and praised her for the work she's done.

    As he recalled in a post on Reddit, when his now 25-year-old daughter was young, she exhibited "odd, disturbing behavior."

    "After a serious incident of abuse towards her younger sister, I realized she needed professional help," he wrote.

    At 18 years old, she was diagnosed with Antisocial Personality Disorder -- or as Mayo Clinic describes it, "a mental condition in which a person consistently shows no regard for right and wrong and ignores the rights and feelings of others." But therapy and support helped his daughter manage her behavior.

  • Advertisement
  • The problem is that now his daughter has a serious boyfriend, and she told her dad that she doesn't really love him.

    Reddit post

    Part of the symptoms for ASPD is a "callous indifference" toward others, as the Mayo Clinic noted. That potentially could be part of why the writer's daughter confessed to him that she "doesn’t feel love or empathy towards anyone, even family." And things are now tricky because she has a boyfriend/ "soon-to-be fiancé" who is "crazy about her." 

    "I have a very strong relationship with [him] (we live in the same area and spend time together regularly)," the dad wrote. "He is a great guy, very kind, funny and intelligent.

    "But I doubt she loves him," he added. "We’ve had some very honest, in-depth discussions about her mental health since her diagnosis, and she’s been open with me that she doesn’t feel love or empathy towards anyone, even family. When she acted very sad and broken up over the death of one of her closest friends at the funeral, she confessed to me privately that it was all a put-on, and that she felt 'pretty neutral' about the whole thing.

    "While she enjoys being around her boyfriend and is sexually attracted to him, I highly doubt she feels much of anything towards him love-wise," he concluded. 

  • That is why the dad now feels compelled to reveal the truth, even if his daughter won't, because he belives the guy deserves to know.

    Reddit post

    The writer made it clear that his daughter's boyfriend "has no idea about her diagnosis, and she’s been very upfront with me that she has no plans to ever tell him, thinking it’ll scare him away." But he strongly disagreed.

    He pushed back and told his daughter that she needs to tell her boyfriend the truth, especially before they get married, because he deserves to know. And if she doesn't, he told her that he would. "To which she always responds, 'I know you wouldn’t dare.'"

    But the dad explained that he "actually would." He likes her boyfriend and wouldn't want him to marry her without knowing the truth. "I really like and respect this young man, and would feel awful keeping this 'secret' from him, and letting him walk into a marriage without this piece of knowledge," he wrote. "I’m not trying to sabotage my daughter’s future ...  It’s his decision to make; but he deserves all the facts."

    More than 5,000 comments have been made on the post. Is the dad wrong for considering going against his daughter's wishes and wanting the boyfriend to know everything before making the decision to propose?

  • Some people thought that the dad needed to spill his daughter's secret ASAP.


    "Holy (expletive) what an awful situation to be in," wrote one person in the comments. "I know she’s your daughter but this is marriage for this guy and he deserves to know. You already told her you were going to tell if she didn’t, so I think you should."

    "You need to tell him," agreed someone else. "Sociopaths deal long term harm to any one involved if no one is aware of their state."

    And someone else thought that he needed to think about what would happen long term. "Daughter has a serious mental condition and intends to withhold this information. IF they get married, this will have a huge impact on their marriage and possibly carry-on to the children." the person wrote. "IF this does get to an engagement, daughter must tell him. Immediately, yesterday, before it happens. If she does not, he must step in. Her withholding would be the original sin of the marriage and put a solid nail in the coffin of that marriage before it even starts."

  • Others thought that this was too hard for the man to decide on his own.


    One person thought that the dad shouldn't get involved at all. "You're ethically compromised either way. It's probably best you stay out of it," the commenter wrote.

    "This is absolutely the hardest one I have ever read," added someone else. "I think it is above Reddit's pay grade. [Original Poster], you should talk with a psychologist about it."

    "Yeah I kind of agree," wrote another user. "Maybe discuss with her doctors what you should do? This is really a damned if you do, damned if you don’t."

    And perhaps this is the best solution the dad can ask for. A mental health professional will be able to better tell him what he's ethically bound to do and can maybe help him encourage his daughter to disclose her disorder herself.

mental health