99 Simple Steps to a Single Mom's 'Netflix & Chill' Night

At last, the invitation you've been waiting for is here: Your crush invites you to come over and watch some movies at his place. You know what this means. Mama's finally gettin' some. But wait, does a single mom dare dream of enjoying herself some Netflix and chill? Of course she does.

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All a single mom has to do is follow these easy, simple 99 steps.

1. Pick a night when you know your ex has the kids.

2. Text your ex: "What time are you picking up the girls tonight?" 

3. No answer. Run out to the drug store to buy condoms just in case you get lucky enough to get some action but unlucky enough to find out he's too flaky to buy his own protection. Should you even have sex with such a person? Maybe not, but it's been too long. 

4. Why are there so many different kinds of condoms? After 10 minutes of deliberation buy a variety pack. Are you going to look too easy if you show up with a box of 30 condoms?

5. Commence sex fantasy in 3, 2, 1 ...

6. Interruption by text from your ex: "Wut? Not my weekend. Am in Chicago."

7. Fantasy over. Okay, calm down. Time for Plan B. Call a sitter! Maybe whatshername, that teenager from across the street who helped you out that one time?

8. Text your semi-friend Kaylin to ask her what that girl's name is since you can't remember. 

9. Right, it's Megyn. Send her a text and then call her because maybe she won't recognize your number and blow off your text.

10. Leave a VM because duh, Megyn is in school right now. 

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11. Back to the office and fantasizing about sex again. Try to remember what your date looks like. Kind of like Joe Manganiello, right? With the hair and the beard?

12. Glance at that screenshot you took of his profile photo. Yeah, no. He's a little less Magic Mike and a little more Lebowski. 

13. No but that's cool! He's super funny and you guys have great IM chemistry. That'll totally translate in real life.  

14. Check your phone to see if Megyn has responded yet. Nope. Date night not looking good at the moment, but proceed anyway.

15. Pick up kids from their after school program. Everyone is tired and cranky. 

16. Get home. Everyone goes to their corners to start homework.

17. Megyn finally texts back. We're saved!

18. Aw crap. Megyn isn't sitting anymore because she's studying nonstop for the SATs this year. She passes on the number for her BFF, Mackenzie.

19. Call Mackenzie. Leave another VM. Does anyone ever pick up the phone anymore?!?

20. Gotta feed the kids. Survey your kitchen. You have: lasagna noodles, a slab of tofu, barbecue sauce, and radishes.

Nope.

21. Pull up food delivery app. They like pizza better anyway.

22. Kids can't agree on pizza toppings. How about a half and half? Younger one doesn't want to eat a slice that's adjacent to another slice with objectionable toppings. Now what?

23. Order the half and half anyway. She'll eat if she's hungry.

24. The credit card you have on file is expired. Now you have to enter all of your new credit card info like you have time to type out a dozen numbers right now.

25. Okay, pizza ordered! That takes care of dinner. Now to get ready. 

26. Plot outfit. Must say "DTP if you're cool and feeling it" without looking sleazy and desperate. That means your just-above-the-knees skirt and your black button-up blouse.

27. Non-sleazy miniskirt and black button-up are in the hamper. Count backwards, do you have time for 40 minutes in the washer, 40 minutes in the dryer?

28. Just barely. (Not really.)

29. What else needs to be washed right now? Because if you're going to go through the trouble ... 

30. Scoop up clothes from everyone's laundry bins and throw everything into the wash.

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31. Jump in the shower. Dirty hair, don't care. 

32. Forgot to bring in your bathrobe. Borrow your 10-year-old's. It covers everything it needs to.

33. Wipe steam off mirror because it is time to create the thirst trap. Oh yeah. Hot mama here. Like, really hot. Or maybe just overly excited.

34. Decide to try out that sexy Beyoncé-inspired smoky eye shadow look you saw somewhere online. Where was it again? Scroll through Facebook hoping it'll turn up ...

35. Found it! This won't take long...

36. Mackenzie calls back. She thinks she can watch the girls since it looks like Megyn is bailing on their movie plans to be with her boyfriend. (Wait, what?) She'll call you back.

37. Sharpen eyeliner pencil.

38. Break point. Curse. Start over.

39. The 5-year-old pounds on the door. "Mamaaaa, I gotta pee!" Ah, the one-bathroom life.

40. You step out and head to your room to look for underwear.

41. Doorbell rings. Pizza here already? Quick, need some bills for the tip!

42. You have zero cash in your handbag.

43. Seriously consider borrowing money from one of your daughters' piggy banks.

44. Then you remember -- Tuesday's jeans! Dig through laundry to find them. Money! 

45. Doorbell rings again. "JUST A MINUTE!" Fling open the door and exchange pizza box for tip. Barely register pizza guy's weird stare.

46. Shut the door and whirl around. It is then that you remember that you just answered the door in a child's bathrobe.

47. Whatever, you just made his night. Or gave him nightmares. Who knows?

48. "Pizza's here, girls! Grab some plates and sit down at the table." You have to specify these things or they'll take the pizza box into the living room and eat it right there on the floor like animals.

49. Back to the smokey eye. Get out your eye shadows.

50. Drop your darkest shades on the bathroom tile. Pigment goes everywhere which is awesome because this is the PERFECT time to clean up a mess.

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51. Mackenzie calls back. She can watch the girls. You almost weep as you thank her.

52. Do your best to finish the smoky eye with the bits of eye shadow remaining.

53. Mackenzie is the best, isn't she? You always thought she seemed super reliable. This is going to be great. You'll start dating this new guy and she'll be your new go-to sitter. It's all going to turn out.

54. Ta-da, Bey's smoky eye accomplished. You look -- OMG! That's not Netflix and chill, that's freak out and kill! Crap, better wipe it all off quick-like. 

55. So we'll go with a more natural look tonight. That's faster anyway.

54. Okay! Now. How are we doing on time? 

55. It is time to text your date and let him know you're running a tad late. "No problem!" he texts back. "Can't wait to see you!"

56. Can't wait to see you? You are so having sex tonight. It's finally going to happen. Someone is going --

57. Uh oh, someone is crying. Who is crying? I have brought pizza in my children's lives. Why is there crying? 

54. It's the 10-year-old. She made a mistake tracing over her penciled homework with a pen. Now it's not perfect. EVERYTHING IS RUINED! 

55. Wonder for the 5,000th time where this perfectionist came from. Is she a changeling? Hospital baby switcheroo victim? 

56. Glance up at mirror and notice your eyeliner is smudged. Dammit, why can't you ever remember to use primer?

57. Younger one yells "I CAN'T HEAR MY SHOW!" from the other room like an angry old lady.

58. Shouting match begins. You shut it down.

59. Back to the homework. What about Wite-Out? We have some of that! Somewhere ...

60. Search home office area (i.e., that desk in the corner with piles of papers, pens with no ink, and a random doorknob for some reason). Here it is!

61. Discover Wite-Out is circa 1997, completely dried out. Gently suggest an experiment in living with imperfection because I do not have time for this.

62. Is this a good time to talk about wabi-sabi, the Japanese aesthetic that treasures the beauty of imperfection?

63. No. It is not a good time for a lesson in wabi-sabi.

64. It's a good time to move the wash into the dryer, though. Is that blouse dryer safe? Eh, probably.

65. Underwear: What's clean? Notice your special lingerie wash bag on your closet floor. Full of your good underwear. Not clean and not in the washer.

66. Oh, just this pair is clean.

67. Unless ... what if you went commando! A naughty thrill flashes through you.

68. No, this is only the second date. He has to earn commando date status. You have some standards.

69. Next up: your hair. What's up with your hurr? Nothing good, that's what. You should have washed it and started from scratch but now it's too late.

70. You pull your hair up into what you hope is a sexy twist and secure it with a clip. 

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71. Mackenzie is here! You answer the door yet again in your daughter's bathrobe.

72. You do some quick introductions. The girls didn't realize you had a date tonight. This is all coming as a surprise. Did you forget to tell them? Crap. 

73. Quick huddle with the girls. Apologize. Profusely.

74. It's high time we put some actual clothes on, no? 

75. Clothes in the dryer are still kind of damp but that's too bad.

76. Also your blouse seems a tad smaller now.

77. It is smaller, but you can still button it. This doesn't look at all sleazy! Moving on.

78. Give Mackenzie a quick tour of the house, go over bedtimes and other instructions. 

79. Mackenzie stares at her phone the entire time. Yup, she definitely got all that. Super. The girls are in good hands.

80. Time to go! Run around gathering shoes, handbag, bottle of -- OH! You forgot to pick up a bottle of wine on the way home from work!

81. It's okay, you can buy one on the way over. Grab kitchen and bathroom trash because tomorrow morning is garbage day and if you don't you will all be drowning in your own filth for the rest of the week.

82. Oh yeah, and there's that dry cleaning you need to drop off on the way so grab that, too.

83. Kiss everyone good-bye. I love you too, be good, okay? See you in the morning. Why are you crying, now?

84. Your youngest's favorite blanket is in the dryer. Pull it out and hand it to her. How long is she keeping that thing? Is this an attachment issue?

85. Run out of the house before anything else comes up. Turn around to wave good-bye to children. See this.

86. Commence guilt downward spiral in 3, 2, 1...

What are you doing? Are you really leaving them with that phone-addicted derelict for the remote possibility that you'll have sex?!?

87. Yes. You are. 

88. Throw the dry cleaning in the garbage cans. Walk away. Realize what you've done when you go to load smelly kitchen trash into the backseat of your car. 

89. Swap the dry cleaning with the garbage. 

90. You're free! Run like the wind!

91. Should you call or text your date to let him know you're on your way? You're so late! No, you don't want to inundate him with messages. Just go.

92. Pull up your date's address on your phone. That's weird, you thought his house was in a different neighborhood? Oh well. Google Maps is always right.

93. Cleaners are closed. Guess those garbage-smelling clothes are going to spend the night in the car. 

94. Stop at the wine store and grab that bottle you always like.

95. Drive to his .... house? This is a dog kennel. What the?

96. Double-check the address. Ughh, you missed a digit! You're on the wrong side of town!

97. Re-enter the address correctly this time and hit the road.

98. Drive up to his house expecting to see this.

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Instead, the lights are out and this note is taped to the door:

Hey, I waited around for an hour. Not sure what to think. Hope you're not having some sort of emergency -- but I also hope you didn't just blow me off. I decided to get drinks with a friend rather than sulk at home. Have a nice life, I guess.

Okay. Well then.

99. Return. Send Mackenzie home. Open the wine. Netflix and chill solo-style. 

 

Image via Blend Images/shutterstock

 

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