I'm All for Marriage Equality, But No Woman Should Want 2 Husbands

woman with two menA few weeks ago, the Supreme Court made history by making same-sex marriage legal in all 50 states. While many people were happily rejoicing and waving rainbow flags, others were onto the next question: Shouldn't polygamy be legal now, too?


Setting aside all the faults with a slippery slope argument, I can tell you this: Very few women would want to deal with having more than one husband!

Now, please understand, I adore my husband. Michael is cute, funny, good in bed, and the smartest person I know. Why wouldn’t I want all that times two?

Because, here’s the thing: I allowed myself a lengthy daydream in which I have two husbands (one of them is The Wire star Idris Elba -- go big or go home!). It started out GREAT. Idris was rubbing my feet, my actual husband was baking me his famous cherry pie. But then, it started.

“Um, honey, do you know where the sugar is?”

You see, my husband suffers from a male-only condition called kitchen blindness. He cannot find objects in the kitchen, even if they are ALWAYS in the same spot. I’d send Idris up there to help, but by the time I showed Michael where the sugar was, Idris had disappeared into the bathroom with his smartphone. He was gone for 45 minutes.

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While Idris was occupied, the mail came with a package for husband #1. It contained another book he won’t read, from the book-of-the-month club subscription that he was supposed to cancel three years ago. I add it to the constantly growing pile of papers on his desk, each one too valuable to ever, ever throw away. I add “cancel book subscription” to the to-do list on his desk. It is labeled “October 2014” and, for some reason, it reminds me that the oil in the car STILL hasn’t been changed.

Did I mention Michael is cute? He really, really is.

My daydream came to an end as I realized I'd have to break it to both my husband and Idris that all I really wanted at bedtime was for nobody to touch me for the next eight hours. I couldn't bear to have to imagine both of them griping, "But it's been four days..." Sigh.

The truth of the matter is that while husbands can be wonderful, I think I, and most other straight women, would probably only be interested in nonsexual lesbian polygamy. Because an extra wife? Now, that would be awesome.

Would you prefer to have an extra husband ... or wife?


Image via © Lise Gagne/iStock

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