7 Things to Try When 1 of You Wants Sex More Than the Other

Wendy Robinson | Apr 3, 2015 Love & Sex

For many couples, the early days of relationships are spent in a fog of fresh love and raging hormones. During those honeymoon days, you might find that you are doing it so much that even rabbits are jealous. And then the real world starts to creep in.

Once the fog of new love lifts and you settle in for the long term, you might discover, as many couples do, that there is a difference in your sex drives. Regardless of who wants it more (and it is important to note that it isn't always the man in the relationship who wishes for more action), the divide between your desire levels can be a cause of stress, disappointment, and hurt feelings.

Find out how seven women figured out how to bridge the gap in desire in their own relationships. You might feel inspired to get a little friskier tonight!


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  • Make Sure It Isn't Medical


    "After I had a baby, my sex drive totally tanked. Even when I was done nursing, it didn't come back up. It was really hard on my husband because we had always had a great sex life, even when I was pregnant. He wondered if we needed to do counseling or something, but I decided to go to my doctor first to make sure there wasn't a physcial reason I didn't want to have sex anymore (like, EVER).

    Since the baby, I had gone on some new medications for postpartum anxiety, so I wondered if that might be causing some of the issues. It turns out I was right. We ended up adjusting my meds and that, combined with finally sleeping more, has me feeling more interested in sex lately. Thank goodness. I missed feeling sexy." -- Jessica W., married three years, one child.

  • Schedule Sexy Times


    "I generally want sex more than my husband does. If it was up to him, we'd have sex every couple of weeks. I'd like sex a couple of times per week. We compromised by agreeing that we will, for sure, have sex at least once every weekend. We don't schedule an exact time, so we can still feel a little spontaneous, but knowing that I can count on getting some every weekend makes me less crabby about not having more sex.

    We also have a rule that even if he doesn't want to have intercourse, he has to make sure I get taken care of at least once. My big finish usually inspires him to want one too." -- Kristen D., married seven years, no kids.

  • Focus on Touching


    "We went through a rough patch where I didn't want it as much as he did and I started to avoid being physical with him at all, because I didn't want to get his hopes up or to start something that HAD to lead to sex. After a while, we were barely hugging and kissing any more and we were both so testy with each other.

    We finally talked about it and I told him that I wanted to touch more, but I didn't want the pressure of every kiss or cuddle having to lead to something. Sometimes I just want a back-rub or to snuggle! He has come around to that idea and I think we've both found that we have more sex now that there is less pressure about it." -- Ariana G, married four years, no kids.

  • Ditch the Kids


    "We have four kids under the age of 10, so ditching the kids and spending time with just each other is a really important thing for our relationship.

    I basically can't switch from 'mom mode' to 'hot babe' mode when I'm smothered in children all damn day. My husband is ready to go if I look at him funny, so it can be frustrating for him that I don't want to sneak into the laundry room for a quickie. But he is starting to realize that if he wants to get in my pants, he needs to get me out of the house first." -- Marie F., married 12 years, four kids.

  • Spice Things Up


    "We used to be on a pretty good one to two times a week schedule and then suddenly my husband just didn't seem as interested. I discovered that he was starting to look a [adult movies] A LOT more than he used to, so we had a big blow out fight about that.

    What we finally figured out is that we needed to add some variety to our sex life. The [adult movies] was his way of getting some variety into a sex life that was basically five minutes of missionary and then done." -- Gina S., married 11 years, one child.

  • Patience & Understanding


    "I hate to break it to people, but the truth is that babies are super cute, but they will totally destroy your sex life. Or at least they did ours.

    We had twins six months ago and haven't had sex since. Between the tearing (vaginal delivery FTW!) and the nursing and the fact that I haven't had a decent night's sleep in forever, I just don't want ANYONE touching me at night. 

    We've talked about it and have just decided that, for now, sex isn't a priority. We're planning a second honeymoon when the babies get older and I'm hoping that will jump start things, but until then, we are on my schedule for sex, not his." -- Blythe S., married five years, two children.

  • Therapy


    "For us, our gap in desire stemmed from some other stuff going on in our marriage. It took going to a marriage counselor and sorting out some of our underlying issues to get us back on the same page.

    It took about a year of counseling, but now we are stronger, and hornier, than ever!" -- Heather H., married 17 years, three kids. 

    Do you and your partner have different sex drives? How do you make that work for you?

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