​'Choreplay' Is the Worst Thing to Ever Happen to Sex

man doing chores

This has to be the saddest word I have ever heard in my entire life: "Choreplay." That's when men get women into the mood for sex by doing more chores around the house. You know what? Choreplay should not even exist. 


I came across choreplay as part of Sheryl Sandberg's well-intentioned Lean In Together campaign. Here is how they're encouraging men to be more of a 50/50 partner.

When men share household responsibilities, their wives are happier and their marriages are stronger. Not only does marital satisfaction go up, but couples have more sex — 'choreplay' is real!

Now, I am all for sharing housework as equitably as makes sense for your family. And I agree it's great for your relationship overall. But what the hell is sex even doing in this conversation?

First of all, that connection between sex and housework may not even be true. According to at least one study, when men take on more typically female tasks at home they actually have less sex.

More from The Stir: Men Who Do 'Female' Chores Have Less Sex

To be fair, one of the reasons women (especially moms) have a hard time getting in the mood for sex is because we're overwhelmed by childcare and housework. Not sharing chores fairly can be a barrier to having sex, I'll give them that.

But doing more housework and childcare shouldn't become a quid pro quo arrangement. Remember when Pat Robertson said that women owe their husbands sex when they do the dishes? That's total BS. You don't "earn" sex rewards by helping out around the house. 

It all comes down to some fundamental misconceptions we keep perpetuating about sex in a loving relationship. 

Sex as currency.

Sex as a reward you give someone else.

Sex as something you earn.

Sex as a service you perform.

Sex as a chore.

Here's how we should think of sex instead.

Sex is a way to connect emotionally with each other.

Sex is an experience you share.

Sex should be mutually pleasurable and fun.

The way to have more sex is by being better at sex -- by satisfying your partner.

Know what a total libido killer is? Talking about chores. I mean, talk about sharing housework because you have to, because it's important to your relationship. But for crying out loud, leave sex out of it completely. You're contaminating sex with such banality.

As for you, Sheryl Sandberg, you may have great ideas for helping women in the boardroom. But please -- stay the hell out of the bedroom. You are officially banned.

What do you think about "choreplay"? Do you ever use sex as a reward?


Image via gpointstudio/Shutterstock

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