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10 Things to Do When He Loses His Erection

sad couple in bed flaccid lost erectionIt happens to the best of them. You're in the middle of an intimate moment, everything seems to be going well, when all of a sudden he loses all the air in his tire. The wind goes out of his sail. The tent collapses. You know -- he loses his erection. Don't panic! This is not an emergency. We can help you deal in a way that will make your sex life even better than ever.

Does your husband or SO ever lose his ... oh, never mind, you don't have to answer that question.

boost his confidence in the bedroom 

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1Know How the Plumbing Works

First, a quick lesson in how the penis works: When a man becomes aroused, his brain sends signals to the nerves in his penis to relax the blood vessels there so blood can flow in. Then high pressure closes the exit routes, trapping the blood in there. The organ becomes rigid and engorged.

When a man loses his erection, this process is reversed: The entrance closes and the exits open. The blood flows out. This makes him go soft.

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2Don't Blame Yourself

NO, say the experts. This is NOT happening because he's NOT attracted to you. A man going flaccid because he's not turned on by his partner is "really relatively rare compared to the other more likely factors," sex and relationship expert Ian Kerner tells WebMD.

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3Be Kind

You're not the one turning him off -- that is, unless you're putting pressure on him by mocking his dysfunction, laughing at him, acting disappointed, or otherwise being unsupportive and unsympathetic toward your man. I know you would never say, "OMG, WHAT HAPPENED?!?" or "I ALWAYS KNEW YOU WERE GAY!" or "YOU'RE NOT A REAL MAN!" or "UGH! NEVER MIND, GAME OVER!" or even "SIGHHHH." You're not that kind of woman.

Be kind. Be chill. Consider how this must feel for him.

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4Know the Possible Causes

So what can trigger the loss of an erection? Any number of things!

1. Nervousness

2. Stress

3. Depression

4. Alcohol, tobacco, drugs, or medication

5. Low testosterone

6. Excess body weight

7. Health issues: Diabetes, heart disease, multiple sclerosis, and other diseases and conditions can affect penile function.

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5Switch Gears

If he loses it, do something else you'll both enjoy. Transition to foreplay, oral sex, toys, anything that will make him feel aroused but doesn't depend on a hard penis.

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6Talk About It

Maybe not RIGHT at that moment, but when he's feeling relaxed and secure, share your feelings about what happened. Then encourage him to share his feelings as well. If you can open up to each other and be vulnerable and supportive, this could actually bring you closer together.

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7Go to the Doctor Together

If he starts losing his erection regularly, he should see a doctor to find out if there's an underlying cause to what's called "erectile dysfunction," or ED. Go with him. “The patients who are the most successful are those where the sexual partner is a true partner,” Daniel Shoskes, professor of Urology at Cleveland Clinic, tells WebMD. “If the woman can come in, that’s a huge help.”

Know that there are many options for treating this problem, because if our culture supports anything, it super-duper supports men's erections. Oh yes, many billions of dollars have been spent ensuring that no man goes without one. The right solution for you is out there. But also? Try therapy and non-medication solutions before you run for those little blue pills.

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8Encourage Him to Loosen That Grip

One possible cause of ED is using too firm a grip while masturbating. Sex advice columnist Dan Savage says the tough love of "soft" love is the only solution: "No more gripping your dick like that, HARD. From now on, whenever you masturbate, you're going to jerk it with a light touch and few drops of lube. And if you can't come using that lighter touch and a few drops of lube, then you don't come. At least for now."

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9Help Him Take Care of His Heart

ED can be a sign of heart disease in older men. Turns out the blood vessels in a penis are smaller than those in the heart. Eighty percent of men whose first heart attack lands them in the hospital report developing ED within the last three years. So make sure your man is taking good care of his heart by eating well, exercising, getting enough sleep, and getting regular checkups.

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10Rethink the Purpose of the Penis

This is an excellent opportunity to let go of your misconceptions about sex. A penis is not a "tool" and it does not perform on command. Sex isn't ALL about a penis going in and out of a vagina. Find other, more creative ways to pleasure each other and express intimacy. Expand your sexual vocabulary. And have fun with it!


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