20 Secret Things All Moms Do in the Bathroom

Adriana Velez | Dec 4, 2014 Love & Sex
20 Secret Things All Moms Do in the Bathroom

woman in bathroom

"What are you DOING in there?!?" It's a question nearly every woman has been asked after returning from the bathroom. We all know the main reasons we go to the bathroom. I go in there to feed and water my unicorn, obviously. But there are some more "secret" things moms do there ...

What's your favorite "secret" bathroom activity?


Image © P. Steeger/Corbis

  • Manage Wardrobe Malfunctions


    Image © Corbis

    This is why we carry around safety pins: Because zippers break, bra straps snap, buttons go AWOL, tights get runs, shapewear squeezes us in awkward places, underwear gets way too intimate, and shoes chew on our feet.

  • Get a Grip on Our Rage


    Image © Geo Rittenmyer/Corbis

    When the kids (or the husband!) drive us to the brink, sometimes all you can do is close yourself up in the bathroom, count to 10, and do some deep breathing exercises. Everybody survives because we do this.

  • Make Unwanted Hair Disappear


    Image © I Love Images/Corbis

    We're not saying where that hair grows. We're just saying we've all got some rogue growth here and there. The less you know the better.

  • Steal Alone Time


    Image © 145/Dominik Eckelt/Ocean/Corbis

    Because alone time is a rare and precious thing, and because we DO need to be able to hear our own thoughts at least once a day. Quit knocking.

  • Thank 'The Academy'


    Image © Hill Street Studios/Blend Images/Corbis

    This is the most important speech we'll never give in our lives! "I have so many people to thank. (Wipe microscopic tear.) I'd like to start with my lovely, supportive family, who gave me so many minutes alone in the bathroom so I could write this screenplay ..."

  • Do Our Best Singing


    Image © Luke Jarvis/Corbis

    Move over, Mariah! I do my best singing to the accompaniment of water streaming from the shower. The humidity is so good for your vocal cords, don't you know.

  • Ugly Cry


    Image © Tia Gille/Corbis

    We save our worst, most indecorous bawl fests for this room. And then we come out with red, blotchy faces and puffy eyes. Pretend not to notice, okay?

  • Call the Gynecologist


    Image © Edward Bock/CORBIS

    Because you need privacy to talk about your lady parts and the wacky, scary things they sometimes do. And because sometimes you have to check something to give them an accurate report.

  • Search for Our Best Angle


    Image © JGI/Jamie Grill/Blend Images/Corbis

    To the left or to the right? Chin up or chin down? How to look sexy without doing fish lips? Not taking a selfie any time soon, but we want to be prepared just in case!

  • Get That Green Stuff Out of Our Teeth


    Image © 2/picturegarden/Ocean/Corbis

    And by the way, THANK YOU for telling us about it! We appreciate your having our back.

  • Examine Our Skin REEEAAAALLLY Closely


    Image © A. Chederros/Onoky/Corbis

    Just, you know, keeping tabs on everything like pore size, blemishes about to happen, wrinkles in development, and all the other reasons why we need to keep buying that expensive serum.

  • Excavate Our Handbags


    Image © Anthony Redpath/CORBIS

    You know you've got a pen in there somewhere. But in order to find it, you're going to have to dump everything else out, and there are TAMPONS. So. Many. Tampons.

  • Gossip


    Image © Frank and Helena/cultura/Corbis

    I'm afraid it's true. No, we're not proud. Yes, sometimes we're gossiping.

  • Do Things You're Not Supposed to Do


    Image © Philippe Turpin/Photononstop/Corbis


    Whether it's smoking or biting your fingernails, we hide our bad habits from our kids in the bathroom. Not that any of us smoke because of course we don't. Haha. What?

  • Do Pretend Makeup Tutorials


    Image © Blue Images/Corbis

    "Here's another key makeup hack you HAVE to try: Pull your eyelids up so you can get that mascara right at the roots of your eyelashes. See the difference? Amazing, isn't it? Oh wait, I've smeared it all over. Cut!"

  • Compose Arguments


    Image © Heide Benser/Corbis

    Enter the bathroom and you become as crafty and well-spoken as America's most brilliant litigator. Now if only you could remember all those genius arguments after you step out of the bathroom.

  • Come Up With Our Best Comebacks


    Image © Jim Purdum/Blend Images/Corbis

    You know what I should have said? Two hours ago? They call it the "wit of the staircase," but they should call it the "wit of the toilet" instead.

  • Cleavage Experiments


    Image © Alfred Saerchinger/Corbis

    What would I look like if I were a 17th-century milk maid in one of those corsets that push my boobs up to my chin? Thanks to bathroom time, I know.

  • Finish That Novel


    Image © Ryan Smith/Somos Images/Corbis

    Or, who are we kidding, that magazine article. Or that last game of Candy Crush, to be quite honest.

  • Have a Quickie


    Image © Vincent Mo/Corbis

    Oh yeah! We just have to remember to leave five minutes apart SO NO ONE SUSPECTS A THING.

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