What to Do If You & Your Husband Want Sex at Different Times

times of day sexSome people love morning sex. They love to roll over to the person next to them and do exactly what happens naturally. Some people (like me) hate it. I want to run in the morning, work on my writing, and do all manner of productive activities. Sex is usually the last thing on my list. My husband? He's a morning sex kind of guy.

But come 2 p.m. when all my energy is depleted and the only thing I want to do is lie in bed? That's a good time to go at it. Sadly, it's also an impractical time for many reasons (work, kids, obligations -- just to name a few).

So what do couples who are on opposite schedules when it comes to sex and biorhythms do to make things run smoother? We asked several experts to weigh in on this pressing question. One thing is clear: This is NOT a deal-breaker, people. This CAN be overcome. But how?


More from The Stir: Married Couples Who Have Sex Less Than Once a Week Are in Trouble

Patricia Johnson and Mark Michaels are a married couple who literally wrote the book on the topic. As co-authors of Partners in Passion, Great Sex Made Simple, Tantra for Erotic Empowerment, and The Essence of Tantric Sexuality, they know exactly why this happens. "There is often a biological basis for these discrepancies, and research on gender differences and circadian rhythms is ongoing, but it's more important to focus on your personal circumstances," Johnson says.

The two have even dealt with it themselves. "One of us is more of an early-morning person and needs less sleep generally. The other doesn't really like to have sex after a meal, so we usually have our dates before dinner." Would that work for you and your husband? I know it wouldn't for us. But we have also found ourselves in this predicament. And like everything else in marriage, the answer is simple: compromise.

"Sexual desire in women is extremely sensitive to environment and context," Edward O. Laumann, PhD, a University of Chicago sociology professor and lead author of The Social Organization of Sexuality: Sexual Practices in the United States, told Web MD

Indeed. So what can women do differently? Here are a few tips:

1.) Let go of being "in the mood." Forget this idea that we have to always be in the mood to make it happen. Sometimes it's okay to fake it 'til you make it, Johnson says.

"Be mindful of making erotic interactions a priority," she says. "There's research on the female sexual response cycle that suggests arousal often precedes desire, so waiting until you feel it may mean that you never will."

2.) Find ways to get in the mood. You might be a morning person. But that doesn't mean it's impossible to get turned on during other parts of the day. You just might have to get more creative. Watch porn. Read porn. Engage in sexting with your spouse. Anything that gets you (or him) there when you want him is game. "Just because it is not the optimal time of day for you, doesn’t mean you can’t get turned on," Johnson says. Exactly. 

3.) Make appointments. It's not sexy and it's not spontaneous, but if you KNOW you need to get it up (so to speak) at 3 p.m. on a Saturday, having that in your calendar can help.

"Find a time that is acceptable for both of you and make sure you set it aside," Johnson says. Sounds good to me!

The fact is, sex is not some perfectly ordered menu item that will come neatly wrapped just when you want it. Sometimes it requires some work. So when you and your spouse are off sync, it might take more than a muse to get yourselves back there. Give a little, get a little, and find that groove again.

Soon you may find you want it morning, noon, and night. Then you know you've won.

Are you and your partner ever out of sync sexually?


Image © iStock.com/Marina_Ph

Read More >