Stop Asking How Often Married Couples Should Have Sex

couple in bed sex

What's the key to a long, happy marriage? Many couples will tell you it's sex. After all, it's the one thing you can to for each other as a couple that no one else can do for you. It's up there with communicating well. And as marital duties go, it's definitely more fun than balancing a checkbook or taking out the garbage. So how often should you be having sex? Once a week? Three or four times a week? Well, that's actually the wrong question.


It does look like the more often you have sex, the happier you are in general (well, as long as you feel like everyone is having sex less often than you are ... ). But how satisfied you are with your marriage is tied with how satisfied you are with your sex life. Each feeds the other. The better your relationship, the better your sex life, and the better your sex life, the better your relationship -- regardless of how many times a week you do it.

So ... are you satisfied with your sex life?

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I love a mind-obliterating orgasm as much as the next gal, of course. But I think truly satisfying sex is about more than that -- it's about feeling connected. Plenty of couples have frequent sex, but if it's not satisfying to her, if she feels used or put-upon during sex, it's not really serving its purpose. Sex should bring us closer together.

How do you do that, when you're tired, busy, worn out? If you're having trouble communicating as a couple outside the bedroom, how do you manage to touch souls in the bedroom?

Well, I don't have all the answers. But maybe focusing on quality over quantity can take some of the pressure off. Sex experts have told me that not every lovemaking session has to be EPIC -- even quickies count. But they count best when you're both really into them, and you're both there to feel closer to each other.

Long time married couple Ron and Mavis Perola recently told the Pope and about 200 prelates about what has made them last 55 years. It was beautiful.

[It's] the little things we did for each other, the telephone calls and love notes, the way we planned our day around each other and the things we shared were outward expressions of our longing to be intimate with each other. 

I love that phrase "our longing to be intimate with each other." Sex isn't just about the physical fun; it's about intimacy, feeling close to each other, sharing something only you two can share.

Gradually we came to see that the only feature that distinguishes our sacramental relationship from that of any other good Christ-centered relationship is sexual intimacy and that marriage is a sexual sacrament with its fullest expression in sexual intercourse.


Having a satisfying sex life can feel like a luxury, sometimes. A luxury you may feel you can't afford, a luxury that gets bumped lower and lower on the priority list, especially when you have kids. But if anything, it should be at the top of your list. Creating a great sex life together is one of the most important things you can do with your husband. It's good to be reminded of that sometimes.

How do you feel about making sex a priority? Do you feel like your sex life is satisfying enough?


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