Woman's Crazy Dating Profile Makes Us Fear for Her Future Children

woman growling at computer

We don't always have a clear idea of what kind of husband or father a guy is going to make when we first start dating. We have to discover that over time, little by little. But one woman is leaving nothing to her potential suitors' imagination. Check out this gal's insane list of demands on OKCupid.

And then imagine what kind of wife and mother this woman is going to be.

That is, if she succeeds in going on a date with anyone ever. With a list like this, I'd be surprised if she attracts anyone at all.

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The OKCupid note was sent to Jezebel from a tipster named Brian. It begins with a rant that I actually can relate to. If you've ever been on an online dating site, you know how annoying it is to wade through the slush pile of messages from men who did not read your profile and are not even remotely what you're looking for. Or who are in some way completely unacceptable -- for example, a seemingly headless set of pectoral muscles who lives in his mama's garage and did half a semester of college before dropping out 18 years ago, not that he can spell college or pectorals correctly. I'm not thinking of anyone in particular (this describes 90 percent of the guys on OKCupid).

All this lady wants is some REAL information from guys who are SERIOUS about getting to know her. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?

No, it is not. But this definitely is. Witness the insanity:

So, when you message me you should tell me:

  • your (preferably full) name your Facebook URL (If you don't use Facebook, that would be quite crippling)
  • how long you've been single if you've ever met anyone from a dating website (by met I mean in person)
  • when your last "date" was, and a brief explanation as to why it didn't work out opinion on "friends with benefits"?
  • when your last sexual encounter took place (ANY kind, not necessarily strictly vaginal sex. Though I suppose you could specify if otherwise)
  • how many girls (or guys as well I guess?) have touched your penis (if any) (I would ask how many people you've slept with but apparently there are some really strange people out there who don't consider stuff like oral sex, sex. So asking this question gives me a more general answer. If you find this one to be a little personal, I understand, but I would still like to know probably due to my fascination with sexuality. No reason to lie about your answer either, I'm not judging it.)
  • how many vaginas have you touched?
  • is there anything you like to do, regularly? Hobbies or anything like that? What takes up your time, if not work?
  • when's the last time you made out with someone?
  • what's your living situation? (alone? room mates? house? apt? rent? own? etc.)
  • if you have or have ever had any type of STD
  • what you're hoping to get out of messaging me, maybe a prediction of what the future could hold with us also, as an extension to that last point, if you aren't local (if you are then this doesn't apply), how do you see this working out in the long run in terms of distance?

And after that, give me a list (if any) of reasons why I might NOT like you. And don't give me the bullshit reasons. Get right down to it. My profile states EXACTLY what I want, so you should know by now what I wouldn't like. No reason for you to hold back and waste either of our time. If there's something I wouldn't like about you, I would like to know now before we begin to get to know each other, so I can gauge whether or not it's worth looking past, or if I even CAN look past it.

Of course you can message me with whatever extra you like, but this is a good foundation to start with. I apologize if it sounds like a job application or something. But in a sense, it kinda is, right? I just like to know a bit about a person beforehand. I don't like surprises. And if you're not comfortable with answering any of those questions, there's probably a reason. And that reason likely would be a reason why I'm not interested in you.

Also you're more than welcome to just rate me 5 stars to see if I did the same. Sometimes I creep on here and rate people that I would be interested in. I don't really do the sending of a message thing though, that's up to you.

..and make sure you've at least answered, at LEAST a few hundred questions on this site. Otherwise our match percentage is likely inaccurate. If I have time to answer thousands, you have time to answer a few hundred. I put a lot of faith into the matching system on here. It's more accurate than you would think. If we have a high match % and a low enemy %, yet you think my profile is absurd, then maybe you're just digesting it wrong. Wouldn't be the first time.

ARE YOU STILL READING AT THIS POINT?

First of all, this is too much work for anyone. No man is going to read this and think, "YES! This is the high-maintenance gal for me! I can't wait to jump through ALL these hoops!"

Secondly, I bet she's still going to get messaged anyway because nobody reads anything on OKCupid.

Those two things aside, I can only imagine what kind of nightmare it would be to live with this woman or to have her as a mother. She would want to know where you've been at all times of the day or night. She'd want to know what you'd spent money on, down to the last penny. She'd nitpick the flowers you send, if you dared send any. She'd proofread your homework. She'd criticize your aim in the toilet. She'd check your browser history every single day. She'd harass your teachers.

She would leave Post-It notes EVERYWHERE. They would not be passive-aggressive. They would be direct, to the point, and exacting. "I am disappointed that you ate all the ice cream again. I will expect a new carton of Haagen-Dazs chocolate fudge almond to appear in the freezer by 8 p.m. tomorrow. No other flavors or brands will be accepted."

Oh man, I'm tired and frazzled just thinking about it.

Maybe the men of OKCupid should be grateful for this message. For ONCE they have a full picture of what they're in for if they try to connect with this woman. And it's a chilling picture. I'm hearing horror movie music in my head. You've been warned, guys!

Did you have any idea what kind of husband or father your guy was going to be when you first met him?

 

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