How Disney Princes Would Be as Husbands (Hint: It Isn't Pretty)

prince charming

Oh those handsome, silly Disney princes. We grew up falling in love with them as little girls. But now that you're an adult, have you ever thought about how dysfunctional and weird those guys were?

BuzzFeed recently brought several Disney princes to life to see if any of them would make a good boyfriend. Nope! They wouldn't. Each and every one of those princes is bananas.

But dating is one thing. The whole point of the fairy tale is you're supposed to actually marry the guy and live happily ever after. What would THAT look like? We dared to imagine, what if Disney princes were real and you actually married one?

Advertisement

Prince Charming from Cinderella

Ah, who knew Prince Charming's dogged search for the other glass slipper had less to do with Cinderella and more to do with his shoe fetish? Within a few short weeks after the honeymoon, it became clear that the prince loved hot footwear more than he loved his bride.

He wanted Cinderella to wear those glass slippers all the damn time! Even when they were doing it. Especially then. I won't even tell you how he ended their lovemaking sessions. Let's just say that thanks to those slippers, Cinderella didn't even come close to becoming pregnant with a royal heir.

They split up after two months, and it was then that Cinderella found out she was Prince Charming's fourth wife! His fifth wife is a shoe designer and he still hasn't sired an heir. Cinderella took her half of the divorce settlement and opened up a seaside spa that specializes in foot massage.

Prince Florian from Snow White

It wasn't a fluke that Prince Florian kissed Snow White while she was sleeping. That was his thing, turns out. He's always in the mood in the middle of the night, when she's out cold. One minute she's enjoying a well-deserved slumber (what with caring for the seven dwarfs and all). Next thing she knows he's on top of her, all "Baby, you don't have to do anything, I'm just going to be a couple minutes ..."

This was not okay with Snow White! She likes to be awake when she makes love with her man. But Prince Florian never seemed to be in the mood during her perfect time, in the early evening.

More from The Stir: It's Official: You Will Never Find Prince Charming

It took about three years of serious, weekly couples counselling before they got on the same page. Turns out Prince Florian had some performance issues and didn't want to feel the pressure of his Princess' expectations. Whatever! They're now working on making sure they both enjoy some happy endings.

Beast from Beauty and the Beast

Belle should have paid more attention to those early warning signs. That entire WING of the castle she wasn't allowed in? The Beast's paranoid, controlling ways? He was keeping too many secrets. But it wasn't until years later that Belle realized the full extent of her husband's deceptions.

She understood when she found out he was CIA. Keeping her in the dark about that was probably best for her safety. But then she found out he'd long suspected her father was a terrorist. The hell?!? Just because his trading route took him to some Islamic countries! That's the real reason he'd kept Belle's father imprisoned. And had is cellphone tapped.

But it gets worse: The Beast actually had a second family living in Toledo, a wife and three kids. Unbelievable. Belle's marriage was annulled because, hello! It was illegal in the first place. Beast was fired from the CIA (or so they tell her). And Belle has stopped taking mushrooms -- too many talking teapots and candelabras.

How would you imagine life with the other Disney princes?

 

Image © iStock/Arsen Stakhiv

Read More >

marriage