I’m a Born Again Virgin Because Sex & Dating Don’t Mix

Sex is my enemy. Okay, it's not my enemy. I don't have anything against sex per se. In fact, I look forward to it in a loving, committed relationship. But because I want a loving, committed relationship, I am determined not to have it again until I'm in that. None of this testing out the waters stuff. None of that, let's have sex first, figure out the rest later. Sex chemicals bond you to a person; they fog up your brain; and they pollute your good judgment. None of that for me while I'm getting to know someone. So, no more sex for me while I'm dating.


Oh, sure. It didn't used to be like this. Once I got out of my marriage and began dating again, I was dying to get laid (excuse my language, we're all adults here). My ex and I hadn't had sex in ages and I was in my mid-30s, my hormones were surging and I was raring to go!

The next thing I knew, I was involved with a guy for several years -- and the relationship never really moved to the next level. But I couldn't seem to break it off entirely with him because of those sex chemicals. They scrambled my mind to the point where no matter what thing I found out about him that made my brain go "Whaaa?" and "Ewww!" my other brain went, "Oh, he's not so bad. Besides, he's totally hot and I want to hit the sheets with him tonight."

I began making excuses for him. He'd say something appalling and I'd dismiss it as him having a bad day or making a joke. I stopped asking him to discuss serious things because, frankly, I didn't want to hear anything that would make me think I needed to stop having sex with him.

So after finally (finally!) calling it quits on that relationship -- something I should have done on date two -- I began dating again. And this time, no sex. I don't know how long I will go without it, but it definitely won't be until I am sure I am in a committed relationship. Hell, I may even wait for an engagement ring, though that might be pushing it. There is a part of me that would at least want to know if I gel sexually with a man before committing my body to him for eternity.

The no-sex policy is doing me another favor -- quickly weeding out the guys who are more interested in sex than me. That type, once they figure out by date three that nookie is not in the cards, jump ship. And you know what? I do not care. Because I didn't have sex with them, therefore I don't have a false sense of intimacy and bonding with them. So when they bail, I'm all, "Oh, did that guy not call me for a week?" Shrug.

Emails, texts and calls? I don't stress about them. If they happen, they happen. If not, no biggie. Again, no sex chemicals to turn my mind to mush and make me panic because it's been four hours since some dude texted me.

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I want to have my brain clear to make decisions based on emotional compatibility, not penis size. As Dr. Seth Meyers writes in Dr. Seth's Love Prescription:

Any physical behavior you share with a man can bond you to him emotionally and you need ... to determine whether he is worth your time and energy.

I definitely don't want to become attached too quickly to anyone, lest he turn out to be a serial killer who is just joking around or having a bad day when he kills people! I'm being sarcastic, but you get my point. No more making excuses for jerks.

If he's a jerk, I'll know it, because it won't be my vagina that's controlling things, but my intellect.

Do you think not having sex lets you think more rationally?

Image via Corbis

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