I've had some awkward V-Day Moments, from my daughter, then 5 years old, trying to soap opera kiss me to my husband trying to stuff himself and champagne into our undersized NYC bathtub in our undersized NYC apartment to my Ry telling me I make her want to "puke of love."
That said, I've decided this year will not be awkward. No, we will all be realistic in our planning and our phrasing.
I picked up a pack of those V-Day Sweetheart candies. You know, those chalky conversation hearts that are supposed to represent the sweet nothings you would whisper in your lover's ear (like, I LOVE U, B MINE, KISS ME ...). And I thought, This is anything but realistic phrasing.
Which is why I give you this list: Phrases that should be etched on those cute little hearts, after a few years of marriage ...
WIFE CONVERSATION HEARTS:
R THOSE UR TOENAILS?
U WANNA PUT WHAT, WHERE?
BRUSH UR TEETH IF UR GONNA LEAVE UR SIDE
BE MINE? BUT CAN I BE SOMEONE ELSE'S 4 ABOUT AN HOUR?
U GET THE 2AM FEEDING
I SPENT ALL OUR MONEY ON SHOES
SHH … THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS IS ON
LET ME TURN OVER -- SO I CAN PRETEND UR JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE
HE GETS THAT FROM UR SIDE
IF U DID IT THE 1ST TIME I WOULDN'T HAVE 2 ASK AGAIN
COULD U B MORE LIKE ADAM LEVINE?
SORRY -- I HAVE A ____ACHE.
SHH … THIS IS THE MOST EXCITING ROSE CEREMONY EVER!
WERE U EATING CHIPS IN BED? -- I THINK A CORNER IS EMBEDDED IN MY THIGH?
I'M PREGNANT … PSYCHE
I LIED -- UR HAIR IS NOTICEABLY THINNING
HUBBY CONVERSATION HEARTS:
CAN I TRADE THIS FOR A HALL PASS?
IT'S OK IF UR NOT IN THE MOOD -- I'LL B QUICK
SHH ... THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION IS ON -- AGAIN
I'M LISTENING ... WAIT, WHAT?
I LIED -- UR MOTHER IS ANNOYING
DO U HAVE THE REMOTE?
COULD U MOVE UR HEAD, I CAN'T C THE GAME
WAIT, LET ME TURN YOU OVER SO I PRETEND UR JESSICA BIEL
UR MUCH HAIRIER THAN I REMEMBER
I CAN BE ROMANTIC -- WANNA DO IT?
SHH ... BRAVEHEART IS ON -- AGAIN
I BET ALL OUR MONEY ON TONIGHT'S GAME
UR BUTT DOES LOOK BIG IN THAT
BRUSHING MY TEETH IS FOREPLAY
UR ON CLEAN-UP
LOVE U 4EVER -- SO THERE'S NO NEED TO CUDDLE
And of course, I LOVE U -- because if we didn't truly feel that way, well, we wouldn't put up with all the other stuff. Hope your V-day is full of all love and happiness.
Well, what hearts would you like to see (in good fun)?
Image via JennyFromtheBlog/TheSuburbanJungle.com