5 Reasons My Laptop Is Better Than Any Boyfriend

laptop smoochingI'm single. It's partially my own fault (I'm stubborn and exacting and terrified) and partially not. I don't often sit around bemoaning my fate and eating pints of ice cream. I mean, I totally sit around eating pints of ice cream, just minus the bemoaning part. I have a life, and outside of the rare hormone-driven meltdown, I like it quite a lot.

My laptop is a huge part of this life I lead. I'm not ashamed to admit that it's very often the first thing my bleary-eyed self sees upon waking. I maybe even coo at it, "Hello lover." This is because I co-sleep with my laptop. It's cool, we don't spoon or anything and it doesn't have its own side of the bed ... but let's be real -- it's usually on the right. Somewhere between turning 18 and now being 30, my laptop has wound up being the most serious and fulfilling relationship I've ever been in. Sure, one day soon I'll be dating someone again, but my laptop -- he's the best boyfriend I've ever had.


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1.) He Challenges Me

My laptop knows that as much as I like to pretend I am lazy, I'm actually a really hard worker. Because of him, I'm always able to take the next step in my career and curse a blue streak as I try out something new writing-wise. I'll answer emails for hours on end, reading, researching, and thinking. That's why he has a battery that needs charging. His little light turns red and it's like he's saying, "Okay, I'm going to rest up -- why don't you go for a walk and get some fresh air?"

2.) He Doesn't Judge Me

Yesterday, alone in my room but for my laptop, I was doing an AMAZING solo sexy dance out of my clothes. Halfway through I tripped on my own pant leg, flailed, and punched my own glasses off of my face. Any other guy would have laughed. My lover is a computer and thus continued sitting there impassively.

3.) He Knows What I Like

My laptop literally has a list memorized of the songs I play the most often ready to go at any time. When I'm on Facebook, my laptop is like, "Hey, weren't you thinking about buying these shoes? They are still for sale, babe," because he's thoughtful and knows I deserve a pick-me-up.

4.) He's Not Into PDA

My laptop isn't a big hugger, kisser, or anything-elser. I've been told there are vibes you plug right into your laptop's USB, but sex complicates everything and what my guy and I have is special. I'm not a hand-holder or a constant smoocher. My laptop is the same way. My cat also wants to date my laptop, but he can't quite get over how non-interested laptop is in cuddling him back when he rubs up against him.

5.) He Doesn't Expect an Exclusive Commitment

While at my core I'm pretty old-fashioned, it's nice to be with a guy who doesn't immediately assume that we are boyfriend/girlfriend. It takes me a long time to decide whether or not I'm all in. My laptop recognizes this; that's why he doesn't care if I'm fiddling with my iPhone constantly or going out on the odd (in every respect) date with a man I've met on the Internet.

What object are you joined-at-the-hip to?


Image via Ralph Bruderer/Corbis

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