5 Ways to Dump Your Partner That Are Worse Than By Email

dumped by emailI recently read an interesting article about getting dumped. The author pointed to a statistic indicating that it isn't entirely uncommon for women to have -- at one point in their lives -- dumped a romantic partner via email. Okay, that's valid. We are all human, and there's a learning curve on this stuff. But that doesn't make it, as the article would indicate, an okay thing to do.

The way I see it, the minute you allow someone access to the insides of your genitals over an extended period of time, the rules change. I am not saying you need to make dumping a formal, black-tie mandatory event, but a little consideration would be nice. At the very least, you should look your soon-to-be-ex in the eye when you tell them that your pleasure palace is now on lockdown.

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The only occasion when I think it's okay to break up with someone by email is when you're in a long-distance relationship AND they've been ducking your calls because they know it's coming. I could even make an argument for email being admissible if you've been dating for less than a month. But really, it just doesn't seem classy or nice.

It got me thinking of all the terrible ways there are to break up with someone. Breaking up with someone over email may be bad, but the ideas I've come up with? They are almost evil. Please enjoy, and happy dumping.

1. In a Hot Air Balloon

This is a great idea. You wait until the two of your are in mid-air, all alone, and drop the bomb. He'll either hurl you from the basket or you get to endure the rest of the ride in stony silence, which will probably have you begging for the first, more-murdery option.

2. Singing Telegram

It's fun, and it's playful! A broken heart stings just a little less when "it's not you, it's me" is presented to the tune of "Blurred Lines." It's downright toe-tapping!

3. When He's Introducing You to His Parents

Will the glares of his shocked parents be easy to take? Nope. But at least you know he'll have a support system in place.

4. During Sex

"Yeah, it's just not working out." Annnnnd how.

5. Have a Toddler Do It for You

Nobody wants to cry on a toddler's fuzzy head! Nobody! Bonus points if the toddler presents the dumpee with a flower or half-eaten cookie.

Have you ever dumped anyone via email?

 

Image via Julian Winslow/ableimages/Corbis

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