I Was a Sex Tape Virgin ... Until Farrah Abraham Came Along

sexyUp until recently, this mama was a porn virgin. Oh, I'd see that soft-core "for women" porn with the costumes and the plots on late-night cable. But never the real deal. Because why would I? Everyone says it's terrible and soul-sucking. And besides, that stuff is made for guys, not for "nice ladies" like me. Certainly not for moms! We get 50 Shades instead. (Still haven't read it, probably never will.)

But then Farrah Abraham came along with her sex tape and my editor asked me to "review" it. Get paid to watch porn? IS THIS MY LIFE?!? Lucky me -- I am the envy of every straight 13-year-old boy. I knew I would need therapy after. I knew it would ruin my lunch. I knew I would hate it. And yet, I could not resist. I said yes, yes, YES! I mean, I said okay.

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As an aside? If you're going to watch porn for work, I recommend headphones. And maybe watch the angle of your monitor. Don't be surprised if your credit card company's fraud department calls to find out WTF with these charges?!? Be prepared with a convincing story.

So! It was gross. Look, I was totally open to being surprised. I WANTED to be surprised. It would have been so cool to walk away and say, you know what? I learned something. Porn is actually just good, clean, kinky fun. I don't know why y'all have to be such prudes. It should be shown in sex ed classes. Every couple should watch it together. Shaved balls for everyone!

Oh God, about those shaved balls. Can someone please explain? I don't get it! In fact, I find all the hairlessness kind of creepy. Watching Farrah and James together was like watching two anatomically-correct Barbie dolls go at each other. They both looked like they were made of plastic in a factory where people are beheaded for not weeding out the dolls with asymmetrical boobies. And by the way, Farrah's surgically enhanced tatas don't even look like breasts. They look more like she's had cantaloupes embedded under her skin. How on earth are those sexy?

I will give them props for improvising the whole thing. I mean, I'm assuming there was no script. Farrah had to decide when she would make dolphin noises, and when she'd say "ooh babeee." They had to negotiate each new position without arguing. Farrah had to remember where the camera was. Then again, how hard was it for James to say "YESSSS" 37 times? Now that I think about it, the video probably would have been better if Christopher Guest had been directing.

I also got the impression that neither of them was having that much fun. Farrah is getting off on fame and narcissism, I'm sure. James enjoys being a good professional (hey, he's got a skill, I respect that). But beyond that? I just find it depressing to watch people pretend to enjoy having sex with each other. They were pretty much ticking off a list of gestures and sounds we've apparently all agreed should go into porn like they were working through their set at the gym, or grocery shopping. The fakeness is just not something my imagination can transcend to enjoy.

The thing is, real-life sex is so much more mysterious and messy and sometimes awful and sometimes mind-blowing and interesting and confusing and magical than this.

I have a son who will someday find out that 1, there's this thing called sex and 2, you can watch people do it. But I don't want him learning what sex is from the plastic simulacrum of "mainstream" porn. I don't want him to turn into one of those men who watch too much porn. I want him to figure it out, little by little, on his own, in the backseats of cars and on sofas when the parents are away, like I did. Just, you know, not until he's at least 21.

Have you ever watched mainstream porn? What do you think?

 

Image via MShadesFlickr


 

 

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