Man’s Hilariously Crazy Dating Profile Makes It Clear Why He’s Not Married Yet

Having ridiculously unrealistic expectations while dating is probably one of the main things that keeps a lot of people from finding love. And it's not strictly the province of women. One 41-year-old New York man on OK Cupid might be wondering why he hasn't managed to find the woman of his dreams yet -- and this is very possibly because she doesn't exist.


The man, who goes by the handle "longdarkhandsome," describes what he's looking for in a woman -- and it's so outrageously out of whack with reality that he easily dispenses with 99.99999% of the female population. To wit:

His ideal woman must work out 6 days a week. She must like to "browse at Barneys and Bergdorf." She should like Shakespeare. She should look like Jessica Biel or Evangeline Lilly. Oh, and she should have a waist so tiny that she makes Barbie look like a truckdriver. Says longdarkhandsome:

You have a twenty-three to twenty-five inch waist. This is my definition of "slender". Please, have a photo as clear as the ones in my "my type" album. Thank you. Everybody has a mirror and a camera.

His "my type" album contains lots of photos of Jessica Biel. Here's the thing: Not even Jessica Biel has a 23-inch waist. Hers is supposedly 25 inches, but it's common practice to whittle a few inches off the waist and add a few to the bust when you're an actress. The tiniest waisted woman in the world has a 15-inch waist.

I can just barely fit in jeans with a 24-inch waist, and I'm one of the smallest women I know. Anyway, it's never a good idea to demand that your real life partners fit some kind of celebrity ideal.

The guy has some other interesting "quirks" to his profile, too. He goes into excruciating detail about his finances -- including his supposed trust fund -- and claims he has a penis "girth" of over five inches. He also blames his short stature on the fact that his mother didn't breast feed him. Sheesh, dude, get over it.

But since he claims he wants to send two children to "private school in TriBeca" he should really think a little about what might make him compatible with another human being besides waistline. Would any woman want to bear the children of a man this obsessed with waist measurement? Is he aware this will likely change after his "lucky" lady bears his offspring?

And, no, apparently this profile isn't a joke, though it would be a huge relief if it were. This man emailed a friend of mine (despite not knowing her waist size, though I'm sure he would have required proof of that before their first date) and when my friend wrote back congratulating him on his "hilarious profile," he was sorely offended.

What do you think of expectations in dating?


Image via Daniela Vladirmirova/Flickr

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