'School' That Teaches Wives How to Be Mistresses Gets an F

I tell you what, women have it tough these days. First, a woman is supposed to be such an incredible girlfriend that she finally wrangles a dude into marrying her. Then she has children and has to be the best mom ever or every other woman who has ever pushed a child out of her loins tells her everything she's doing wrong. Plus, she's supposed to work -- and not just any work, mind you, it should be something deeply fulfilling. And she shouldn't expect the guy to support her or she's a gold digger or lazy. Oh, and she should do the vast majority of the cooking and cleaning and child caring. But just when you think it's ALL done and you've finally managed to do and be everything, someone comes along and tells you're still not doing ENOUGH. Because, ladies, you need to be your man's MISTRESS as well as his wife! Le sigh.


Sarah Symonds, who is famous for being the mistress of chef Gordon Ramsey and a bunch of other men, has opened a "Wife School" for women who want to keep their husbands faithful. Yes, a woman who has wrecked or nearly wrecked many a marriage wants to tell you how to keep yours intact. Uhhkay.

Sarah told the Daily Mail:

It’s all about 'the skills.' I call it the ESF rule: Men need to Eat, Sleep, and Fornicate. Give them those in abundance and you might just get a monogamous husband.

Think you could ever ask your husband to change a diaper or take out the garbage? Think again, silly fool! Cook him a nice meal, let him take a nap, and then screw his brains out. Had a long day of work and childcare and are too tired to give your man a lap dance? Hey, you don't want your man messing around on you, do ya?!

She continues:

Marriage should be likened to a high powered job, once you land that job you know you need to show up daily, put a huge amount of effort into your role in order to keep it -- and prosper within it -- otherwise there is always the risk that someone may come along and take it from you.

You need to treat your marriage like a job, ladies. Not your man. He just gets to eat, sleep, and fornicate. So after you've become your man's wife, mother of his children, and then his mistress, what next? His dog? His houseplant?

Hey, I've got an idea. It's called "Husband School." It teaches men to grow up and stop acting like babies. It teaches men that marriage is about compromise, maturity, and sticking through the tough times. It teaches them that marriage means not cheating. It teaches them that there's more to life than sex -- like having someone there to support you through life's inevitable travails, and eventually its pain, sickness, and death.

Haha. Yeah, I know. No guy would ever enroll!

Would you go to Sarah's Wife School?


Image via minds-eye/Flickr

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