The Perfect Mother's Day Gift for Your Wife: A Vasectomy

Woman with a bolt cutterGuys, you may want to sit down for this one. Heck, cross your legs if it helps. Anyway, if you want to give your wife the best Mother's Day present she will ever get, as in ever, then you need to man up.

Yeah, you heard me right. I'm talking about getting snipped. And if anything can live up to the phrase, "No pain, no gain," it's a vasectomy.

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If your wife's anything like mine, she's probably been hounding you for years to get one. The kids are old enough and you guys have unofficially closed the baby-making factory. But seriously, aren't you sick of condoms by now? Or if you're wife's on the pill, she must be sick of the side effects, which are only getting more dangerous as she gets older. Not to mention all the scares you've had when she's "forgotten" to take it.

I can tell you first-hand that, yeah, getting a vasectomy hurts. It's not a stab-me-in-the-eye-with-a-pen kind of hurt but more like a I-just-got-kicked-in-the-yabbos-really-hard kind of hurt.

Look at the upside, though. When you were a kid and you had your tonsils taken out, remember how everyone kept saying you'd get to eat all the ice cream you wanted? Yeah, well, getting a vasectomy's nothing like that. All you can do is sit on the couch with a bag of frozen peas in your crotch just waiting for the day you'll be able to walk fully erect again. I'm referring to your back, perverts.

I'll admit that I managed to almost pass out twice the day of my procedure. Almost being the key word. And no I'm not talking about beforehand. To be fair, it was a reaction from the anesthesia. At least that's what I keep telling myself.

Is a few weeks of discomfort worth it in the end? Absolutely. Not only will your sex life be vastly improved, but you'll have shown your wife the painful lengths you're willing to go for her love. It's like having Mike Tyson routinely punch you in the nuts every hour for a week. If that doesn't say "commitment," I don't know what does.

Happy Mother's Day to all you wonderful moms out there!

Do you -- or have you -- pestered your husband to get a vasectomy and has he done the deed?

 

Image via Vladimir Morozov/Flickr

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