Have Obligatory Sex by 'Dead Logging': A Quick and Dirty Guide

Now that most of us have confessed that we all have obligatory sex sometimes -- I even managed to give you a breakdown of the steps involved -- you'll need the perfect sex position to pull it off. Sorry if that sounded like a bad pun.

That's where dead logging comes in. Haven't heard of it? You know it more than you think. While it often means something bad -- i.e., having sex with someone who's passed out -- we're here to tell you that dead logging can be a deliberate move on the part of the woman, or the man for that matter. Here's what happens after the lights go down and you've decided that putting out is the only way to make your partner stop hounding you. Read on for A Guide to Dead Logging. You might want to lie down for this.

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Step 1: Climb into bed after agreeing to obligatory sex. If the deep sighing and eye rolling haven't turned your partner off, proceed to Step 2.

Step 2: Lie down on the bed as frumpily as possible. This is NOT the time to preen or look sexy -- make sure all your rolls are all over the place. If you have no rolls, pretend. Also: bite me.

Step 3: Sigh deeply again. Perhaps THIS will tell your partner you're so not into it. If your partner persists, go on to Step 4.

Step 4: Remove pants or allow your partner to remove your pants. Do not show any sort of emotion -- grunt, do not groan. Groaning may be deemed as "sexy."

Step 5: Begrudgingly allow your partner to mount you. This is very important -- do not move your legs or hips to allow for easier access.

Step 6: When sex begins, imagine yourself a tree. A dead tree. Lying in the riverbank.

Step 7: Do not giggle at the mental image of your partner having sex with a tree.

Step 8: Ensure that no noise, unless it is a deliberate sigh, comes out of your mouth during this encounter. You're a dead log, not an active partner! You're just supposed to lie there.

Step 9: Begin to replay The Godfather (or Casino) in your mind. This may be especially important if your partner has a hard time finishing or seems insistent that the sex be good for you.

Step 10: Try not to guffaw at the sex faces your partner makes. Also: do not check your email. You're a dead log, remember? You just have to wait until the whole damn thing is over so you can roll over and go to sleep.

Have you ever 'dead-logged' the way we've described it here when you've unwillingly agreed to obligatory sex? 'Fess up!

 

Image via kevmann16/Flickr

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