Gwyneth Paltrow’s Passive-Aggressive Valentine Note Will Surely Backfire

wilted flowersIt's Thursday, and you know what that means: The day my colon cleanse finally ends The day we get our Goop newsletter. Yes! Our weekly dose of posh bon mots from her Ladyship, the Countess of Gams, Gwyneth Paltrow. And what clever, clever timing, too. Why we've already been graced with her thoughts on how to be a wife. Now we get her advice on how to be a luuuu-vuuuuh:

Step 1: Leave this newsletter Gwyneth's written (look, she even put a dotted line with a little picture of scissors so you don't f*&% it up) someplace where your "other half" will find it.

Step 2: Watch as he/she follows it to the letter. "They'll get the hint." You're welcome, plebes!

What could possibly go wrong? I mean, nothing turns your lover on like passive-aggressive notes left around the apartment. He just looooves that! IT MAKES HIM SO HAWTTTT!

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Yeah, this is going to go over well. So, your "other half" (because you're not a whole person without him) gets this note. And by the way, it's for Valentine's day, but it's also called "BEYOND Valentine's" because these are things your lover could do for you any day of the year, hint hint, asshole. Okay, so here's how the note starts:

Doing something romantic for your loved one on Valentine’s Day is sweet. Doing something sweet for your loved one on any other day is romantic. Here are some tips on how to bring some Valentine’s Day magic to any time of day on any day of the week, without busting your wallet or schedule.

Love, gp

Your Other Half: Hun, who the hell is "gp" and why is he leaving his notes around the place? Is that the new sitter?

You: Um, babe, look at the top. It looks like it's addressed to you! Wow, gee, etc. (Scurry away so he can read in private.)

Your Other Half: (Muttering to himself) Whoever this "gp" is I f*&%ing hate her.

You: WHOM dear, Gwyneth would say whomever.

So you're off to a great start. Let's see, what could your significant other do for you? Load your iPod with some favorite songs, okay, like that one. Make breakfast in bed, like. Wait, there's too many ingredients! Fresh-squeezed OJ on a weekday? And French press coffee? Why does everything have to be foreign? God, it's 11 a.m. now, your guy has made you two breakfasts and screwed up your iPod workout playlist. And now he's late for work! But wait, there's more he needs to feel guilty about not doing right.

He's set an alarm for you to check your pocket for a note or something else special, like his loose change. Oh how cute, on the calendar alert he misspelled "check your pant pocket" and wrote "Check out Pam" -- and now you're starting to feel suspicious. Jealousy = romance!

Now it's craft time! Buy some flowers and cut out a bunch of paper hearts. Because that presentation he's working on for the entire division can obviously wait. Don't they know what day it is? Next, he gets fired. But that's fine, because now he has time to cook dinner.

Oh -- but he makes that sad, dried-out boneless/skinless chicken breast paillard. Plus, no dessert. WTF?!? Where the hell are my chocolates? Are you trying to tell me to lose weight? Is that what this chicken breast no dessert bullshit is about?!? Well, don't count on using that Bad-Karma Sutures kit, or the decorating-with-chandeliers book.

Step 3: Cry into your pillow. Happy Passive-Aggressive Valentines Day -- any day!

Do you ever leave your significant other notes?


Image via Arne Hendriks/Flickr

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