Scratching Your Ankle Is the New Way to Masturbate

feetSay you had to choose between never having sex again, and never being able to scratch an itch on your ankle. Which itch, as they say, would bother you more -- the need to get busy or the need to take a fork and go to town on your irritating ankle? Tough one.

The thought of not scratching a literal itch automatically makes me go mad. On the other hand, the thought of celibacy for the rest of my life just makes me depressed and feel like watching Bridget Jones. So what's worse: going insane, or slumping into an ice cream induced coma after years of watching rom coms, listening to Celine Dion, and dusting off your unused lady parts every year just to make sure you still have them?

According to a study done at a university in England, scratching an itchy ankle is actually just as pleasurable as having sex. So ... yeah. Maybe we should go with the ankle scratch, after all.


I mean, listen. I know what they're saying. Nerve-ending pleasure blah blah blah, but comparing sex to an ankle itch isn't exactly fair. Sex is pleasurable not just because of orgasms, but because of intimacy established, emotional connections, etc., and last time I checked, scratching my foot didn't really make me feel loved. It made me feel intense relief and happiness, but it didn't make me feel confident or safe or like I wanted to procreate and complete the circle of life.

But if science says you'll feel just as satisfied physically by scratching your ankle as you do climaxing, then heck, forget all those expensive toys -- scratching our feet just became the cheapest, easiest, and most prolific way to masturbate ever.

Anywhoosle ... I can't get over this notion of having sex versus scartching an itch: It's almost an impossible decision to make. Could you live your life with an overwhelming itch gnawing at every conscious and unconscious fiber of your being? I think I would end up tearing all my hair out and amputating my foot in a wood chipper by the third month. Couldn't handle it.

Maybe that's the solution, though. Choose the "scratch your ankle" option then become a one-legged prostitute. No itch and all the sex you can handle.

What would you choose?


Photo via brokinhrt2/Flickr

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