Funny Valentine's Day Quotes for All the Unsatisfied Lovers

broken heartIf you've been to a drugstore, chances are you are rudely reminded that Valentine's Day is almost here. Your eyes are assaulted by the color red, which just makes the brokenhearted, the lonely, and the unsatisfied want to attack the displays of frilly hearts and cardboard flowers. Like a bull. In heat. That or they head to the prescription counter begging for some sedatives. Cupid is an evil little cherub especially for those who won't be getting a love poem to their liking this year. Oh St. Valentine ... you are mean.

Instead of embracing what a typical sappy and silly card would say, let's delve into what a little note would look like for those unsatisfied lovers out there. The people who Cupid nearly killed. They deserve it. So here are some funny Valentine's Day quotes for those people. Maybe there's even one for you.


 For the lover who isn't quite as endowed as you wish he was: 

To be satisfied with a little, is the greatest wisdom; and he that increaseth his riches, increaseth his cares; but a contented mind is a hidden treasure, and trouble findeth it not. ~Akhenaton   

For the woman who is always crying over something stupid thing her lover did:  

Lips that taste of tears, they say are the best for kissing. ~Dorothy Parker  

For that friend whose man just broke up with her by text: 

Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women. ~Marion Smith

For the mama's boy who got dumped (because he is a mama's boy):

The greater love is a mother's; then comes a dog's; then a sweetheart's. ~Polish proverb 

For the woman whose man left her for an ugly slut with bad fashion sense: 

A man is only as good as what he loves. ~Saul Bellow 

For the sadly single friend (accompanied with a vibrator): 

Our first and last love is ... self-love. ~Christian Nestell Bovee

For those who cannot reach orgasm because her lover is too selfish:

Every animal is sad after intercourse. ~Latin proverb 

For the person so annoyed that their partner will only do it with the lights off:

Sex, unlike justice, should not be seen to be done. ~Evelyn Laye 

For the gullible woman being cheated on from her boyfriend:

I wasn't kissing her. I was whispering in her mouth. ~Chico Marx

For the heartbroken guy from his good pal who was also dumped:

I wish Adam had died with all his ribs in his body. ~Dion Boucicault 

For the woman who really wants her man to be more like George Clooney: 

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a male is when he's a baby. ~Jacob Braude

Happy Valentine's Day. Hope you don't need any of these. Except the vibrator. That's always fun. 

Which quote is your favorite?

See also Funny Valentine's Day Quotes to Get You Out of the Doghouse in case you need to scribble some words in a card in order to get some.


Image via mio_pls/Flickr

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