You Mean You Haven't Thought About Using Fix-a-Flat to Get a Man-Catching Body, Too?

Fix a flat
Oneal Ron Morrie
It must’ve seemed so logical when the idea first started to, eh-hem, take shape. When your rear tire loses its roundness, you pull out your handy dandy Fix-a-Flat to plump it back up, right? So why wouldn’t that same miracle-in-a-can work just as effectively on a flat rear end?

Throw in a little cement, a little super glue, a little mineral oil, and badabing. Baby got back… and at a discount price.

It’s a concoction police allege a Florida man — that would be him to your left — has been illegally injecting into clients for the bargain basement fee of $700, a small price to pay these days for bootylicious curves. Because you are your own best advertisement, 30-year-old Oneal Ron Morrie clearly pumped himself up (and up and up) to demonstrate the potential his Home Depot cocktail had to make a woman more womanly. As you can see, his body definitely has a wow factor:  


Fix a flat

Wooow. But(t) there's more...

Fix a flat

Woooooooow. I mean, woooow.

I’ve been longing for a curvier figure for ages but I’ve always gone into Pep Boys or Auto Zone and strolled right on past the Fix-a-Flat. Who knew?

While I was sleeping on the Beyoncifing power of aerosol tire inflators, the gal who actually offered up her body for the procedure was forking over her cash. Alas, almost immediately after receiving the shots, she got sick — insert your gasp of shock here — and hightailed it to the hospital, where she was a bit reluctant to ‘fess up about what could’ve possibly made her ill. If I’d have been fool enough to let somebody inject stuff I could find laying around a handyman’s repair shop into my behind then yeah, I’d be a little bashful about admitting it, too.

Sadly, this certainly isn’t the first time someone has made headlines for using around-the-house items to beef up parts that the good Lord failed to endow on desperate women. There’s a lot of pressure on ladies, particularly in the black and Latino communities, to have Coke bottle shapes plus some. That would be big boobs, small waists, flat abs, full hips, and big ol’ round, rumpshaker rear ends. Some women have that going on naturally. Others need uplifting jeans and about 100 daily reps of squats to even come close. Most of us, however, don’t troll the aisles of Lowe’s for the ingredients of an extreme body makeover.

But ladies, can we admit something and keep it just between us girls? I promise I won’t blast it over the rest of the webosphere. If all the men somehow got lured to one side of the planet and a big ol’ meteor or piece of space debris unexpectedly fell and lopped off that very spot, don’t you think the sales of Spanx drop and the demand for push-up bras would hit rock bottom?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. We like to look good for ourselves. But we go the extra mile to be pleasing to the male eye. Especially, especially single women. It’s a meat market out here and it’s a super competitive one at that. So not only do we have to throw on the outfits and the stilettos with the hair and the makeup and the smell-goods, we’ve got to lift this and tuck that and smooth those and hide something that hangs over the side. A bangin’ figure adds a little bit of an advantage over the girls on the playing field whose bodies don’t get sized and measured up by male admirers.

That’s not to say that it’s right or even that it’s a blanketed truth for every situation. But stuff like this — women subjecting themselves to Frankenstein science in order to get plumper hindparts — is telling us something, and it ain’t that more gals are looking for softer seats to sit on.

Do you think women are pressured to look a certain way at the risk of being less attractive to guys? 


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