The man mind is a fascinating place. Fascinating not in a pleasant, I-wanna-learn-more-about-it kind of way, but fascinating like Vincent D’Onofrio’s mildly disturbing scenes in The Cell. Weird and funky and kind of unsettling. I’m always gunning to find out what a guy is really thinking, and then when I do, I’m left feeling like I should’ve left it well enough alone.
Because I struggle to get the thinking patterns of the less-fair sex, I’m continually baffled by the things they do, the decisions they make, and most relevantly, the reactions they feel are appropriate. When I wonder, “What is this nut thinking?” it’s a rhetorical question. I’m pretty sure their reasoning wouldn’t make my understanding any darn clearer if I knew. But there are just some shenanigans still in play that boggle me:
10. They refuse to pay for dinner because they don’t want to be suckers, but end up coming off as 1) macho jerks, 2) guarded cheapskates, or 3) macho jerky guarded cheapskates instead of gentlemen.
9. They honk the horn when a hot chick is walking smack dab in front of the car, scaring the living daylights out of her and making themselves look like total maniacs in the process.
8. They try to holler when they know full well that they’re married or have a girlfriend, or they tell the woman they’re hitting on that it doesn’t matter when she tells them that she’s married or has a boyfriend.
7. They tell a girl she wasn’t that hot anyway after she flatly rejects his advances. Nothing smacks of wounded ego more than hurling insults at the woman who, just moments ago, was the object of their affections.
6. They attempt to score on the first date. Unless it’s clear that a woman is just that into them, there’s no reason for The Big S to be presented, offered, or contemplated.
5. They immediately assume “it’s that time of the month” if a woman cops an attitude, is in a bad mood, or puts them in check.
4. They fart, laugh about it, and repeatedly mention how bad it smells. Sigh. They keep us young by transporting us back to the sixth grade with that behavior.
3. They fire off catcalls, hoots, grunts, barks — or even worse, psssts — to get a woman’s attention. Learn how to deliver a compliment. And here’s a tip: that ain’t it.
2. They flirt like teenagers, ask for a woman's number ... and then don't call. Waste of everybody's time.
1. They are clearly willing to have unprotected sex. Fumbling for condoms kills the movie-like spontaneity of the moment, yes. But with all we now know, there’s no way a woman should take a man seriously if he whips it out and tries to use it without wrapping it in latex first.
What’s something guys do that just rocks your world with disbelief?
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