The 5 Most Pathetic Affairs Anyone Can Have

Cheating husband How unoriginal can Arnold Schwarzenegger be? By shtupping his housekeeper, Mildred "Patty" Baena, Schwarzenegger was just following the example of the legions of men who couldn't keep their pants on in front of the household help. No points for originality there, though the secret son playing with his other children over the years adds a twist. 

And Arnold's not the only one whose cheating actions seem so predictable. (Though having the chutzpah to keep his mistress employed in his house makes him stand out.) The majority of affairs can be neatly fit into one of the following five pathetic categories:


1. The Housekeeper: Sure, carrying on a liaison with the cleaning staff has its benefits. The proximity is convenient. Nothing like popping into the broom closet for a quickie. But you shouldn't s@#t where you eat. Schwarzenegger found this out the hard way. Thirteen years and one kid later, he’s looking to hire a new housekeeper. Maybe he should buy a Roomba.

2. The Nanny: Again, a little too close for comfort but understandable. There’s a pretty young thing in the house, taking care of the kids. She's bubbly, pert, and, did I mention, young? Mom is probably off working 10-hour days and coming home with just enough energy for the kids but not for dad. The nanny? Eager to please dad. Jude Law couldn't resist cheating on his then-fiance Sienna Miller with the nanny of his kids from his first marriage.

3. The Co-Worker: Being away from your family, working on a film with a sexy, predatory co-star can test a marriage. LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian can attest to sparks flying while being away from home. After filming on their Lifetime movie finished, the two divorced their spouses and eventually got married. If you're a mere mortal, an office affair is stupid because when the affair ends, you’re still stuck working together. All that gossip around the water cooler is not conducive to moving up the corporate ladder.

4. The Professional: A paid pro may seem like the way to go if you’re just looking for a little something on the side. Anonymous, no strings attached. It seems confidential but call girl agencies have to keep records too. Which can be subpoenaed. Or the encounter may go wrong and lead to a very public arrest on the streets of Hollywood a la Hugh Grant. That was the beginning of the end of his long term relationship with Elizabeth Hurley.

5. The Subordinate: An easy target for the high powered egomaniac and the Kings of the World. The object of affection is usually young, eager to please, and loves the attention lavished on her by a man old enough to be her father. Bill Clinton just couldn't resist White House intern Monica Lewinsky. And like many young women looking for love in all of the wrong places, she held on to the memories by not cleaning the infamous blue dress she wore one soon-to-be famous night.

Any other unoriginal types of affair to add to the list?


Image via denharsh/Flickr

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