You Probably Know Your Husband's Mistress

MistressWhen I first saw pics of Arnold’s longtime woman-on-the-side, I couldn’t help but feel bad for her. I know, I know, floozies reap what they sow and if that includes a public flogging, then oh the heck well. But to have your entire life bulldozed because ABC posted that flick you took at last year’s Christmas party? Talk about instant notoriety.

To top it all off two-fold, she’s nothing close to the vixen I’d need a woman to be if my man put our marriage on the line for some external nookie. That chick had better be friggin’ gorgeous, like Beyonce and Charlize Theron morphed and got a makeover. That fab.

All I know is this: it took some serious nerve for her to be up in Maria Shriver’s house every day for however long the affair lasted. It just goes to show that you can’t trust the butler, you can’t trust the gardener, and you can’t even trust the doggone maid.


Reason #453 to take care of your own house, figuratively and literally.

Rumor has it that Mildred Patricia "Patty" Baena the housekeeper-turned-homewrecker at the center of all of this brouhaha — pursued him, not the other way around. Other sources say he made sport of grabbing her booty while she was vacuuming and dusting, I guess, and that she didn’t mind the attention or his wandering hands enough to call him out on it or, you know, not make a baby with him. Nobody knows what really happened except him and her, and even that truth has probably been bent and twisted into what they’d rather it be instead of what it actually is.

Details are still unfolding in what will turn out to be one of the most expensive divorces ever if Maria walks away with the hard-earned and well-deserved $200 million cut some spectators estimate she’ll snag. The storyline may be different, but the plot itself is nothing new.

I’ve always had an axe to grind against guys in positions of power who fall because they share one basic inability to keep their man parts in their pants. Between this and the Dominique Strauss-Kahn case, I just have more fuel for my already blazing fire. But the in-your-face disrespect is what separates this scandal from so many of the others I’ve read about before. At least none of the other cheating dogs had enough — I don’t know ... fear of being caught? Weird, displaced allegiance? — to not kick the affair off with a woman his wife knew, trusted, and employed for 20 years in their very own home. Now that’s low.

I’m hearing that chick not only banged Maria Shriver’s man, she wore her jewelry and clothes, too. Serenity now. That there’s good enough reason to pull your hair back in a ponytail, throw on some sneakers, toss all Kennedy family dignities to the side, and open up a good ol’ fashioned can of whoop ass.  

At first, my friends were trying to convince me, champion of all underserved communities, to feel compassion for Baena. We even had a big debate about it on Facebook. Sally Hemings, they argued, was an enslaved black woman who had a relationship with Thomas Jefferson, producing a whole brood of kids. She was caught up in a predicament — nowhere to turn and no one who would be interested in taking her side. Her logic was she might as well keep her mouth shut, hold on to her situation, which was way better than the average slave’s, and keep putting out for the prez.

For once, I can't ride the underdog bandwagon. Patty Baena ain’t no Sally Hemings. Sure, she was a Latina domestic toiling for a powerful celebrity family. But they didn’t own her and I’m pretty sure if she had the wherewithal to comment on his gropiness, she could've complained about being harassed. I'm sure Arnold didn’t beg her to have his love child. Shoot, he’s got some with his wife and there’s a possibility — according to Jane Seymour, anyway — that there may be more little Terminators or Terminatettes running loose across the States. 

But you know what’s the most offensive part of this whole topsy turvy tale? The fact that this gal ended up pregnant means Arnold laid down, at least once but probably more often, and had unprotected sex. So I’m gonna need Maria to get three things: a stellar divorce attorney, a battery of STD tests, and that ponytail holder I was talking about earlier. Because somebody needs their butt kicked.
How would you handle this mess if you found out your husband was having an affair with someone you knew well?

Image via Alaskan Dude/Flickr

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