You found out your man is cheating. What started out as a suspicion gnawing at your stomach is now a reality bolder than a cheap pastel Easter suit.
Then you stumble across a picture of the intrusive trollop — or worse, see the chick in person — and you think what in the blazin’ frumpy hell?! Did I really get played for that?!
Happened to my best friend, who is certifiably adorable. Not just because she’s my bestie, but because she’s apparently physically pleasing to the average male eye. Still, that didn’t stop her then-fiance from wrecking their whole relationship with a woman who looked like she rolled out of bed, rolled on the ground, rolled through a hostile beehive, and then rolled in the hay with Keisha’s man.
To top it all off, she had the nastiest attitude ever saddled on one human being and an obnoxiously missing molar on the right side of her mouth. The heck?
I’m sure it’s the same feeling Princess Di had when Charles stepped out with Camilla Parker Bowles and the sentiment shared by Shaunie O’Neal when Shaq ran through his stable of uncomely side chicks before settling on reality show reject Hoopz.
If your man is going to jeopardize your entire love affair, disrupt your household, and reduce your memories to bitterly sliced-up garments, mementos, and pictures, he could at least have the decency to do so because he scored himself a Rihanna or a Rachel McAdams.
Let’s get all of the niceties out of the way. Yes, there’s somebody for everybody. Yes, everyone is someone beautiful to somebody out there. But this a petty blog post that lets women who have been done dirty make snide remarks about their ex’s selection in substandard replacement chicks and poke fun at the homely heffas, not an online self-help group. Besides, if you haven’t stolen someone’s man, you shouldn’t take it personal anyway.
That being said, guys will insist that cheating has less to do with how physically irresistible the woman on the side is and more about the need she’s fulfilling that main girlfriend can’t or won’t. (Even The Boyfriend dared to cosign this idea, which proves he really does have a steel set given the highly sensitive nature of the subject and my ability to hold a grudge for a really, really long time.)
In the land of logical checks and balances, it would make sense if your man poo pooed on your commitment because a breathtaking babe built like the human number eight paid him some attention. Heck, the offense might even seem somewhat forgivable. But Pigeon-Toed Paula from the accounting department at his office? Now that hurts. What could that no-frills gal possibly bring to your man’s table that you couldn’t?
With the 80/20 rule in play, there are as many answers as there are homewreckin’ hoochies in the world. (And with the march of reality TV starlets still beating strong, we’re ever-dismayed to know just how many that is.) Knowing that despite your best, all-in effort, only 80 percent of your dude’s needs are going to be satisfied makes that 20 percent deficient seem like a chasm as wide as Louis Farrakhan’s part.
In the end, does it really matter how the woman who can come between you and your main squeeze looks? Not at all. But it sure makes for plenty of good heckling ammunition when you and your gaggle of girlfriends get hold of the information.
So beautiful ones, you know as well as I do that 1) a guy who takes his 20 percent out to market doesn’t deserve your time or tears in the first place and 2) the other woman who didn’t realize she was indeed the other woman should get a pass from any harassment about her physical shortcomings, especially when measured against someone as fabulous as yourself.
But if said side chick was a willing participant, fully knowledgeable about you and your role as his woman/wife/girlfriend/lady, then feel free to be as ridiculously petty as Mother Nature made her homely. It ain’t about maturity — it’s about comedy. And nothing heals like a good, hearty laugh. Especially at a cheater’s expense.
What’s worse: finding out your guy cheated with a drop-dead gorgeous model-type or learning that he forged an affair with the poster girl for frumpiness?
Image via justDONQUE.images/Flickr