Female Masturbation Needs a Sexier Name

woman bed underwear pantiesWhen it comes to masturbation speak, guys pretty much own the rights to the saying "jack off," which makes me totally jealous because it is pretty much the perfect way to describe the act -- just the right amount of edgy boldness and not too insanely dirty. Of course, it's also very male. It's totally a guy's phrase.

Women's masturbation lingo really needs a makeover. We need our own woman-centric phrase for "jacking off." Obviously, something less crude. And way more rad. And totally woman.


Women tend to "get off" a lot, but that sure doesn't pack the punch of "jack off." Cyndi Lauper was on to something with "She Bop," but it didn't catch on. And, well, "I Touch Myself" is just too dang literal.

The folks at the World Wide Wank have compiled The World's Largest Collection of Female Masturbation Synonyms. As you might have guessed, the list is way more wrong than it is right from a female point of view. Most of the phrases on the list are obviously made up by men. Gross men who have no clue about female sexuality. However, I found it interesting to analyze my reactions to each and every phrase on the list.

It goes without saying that anything with the words "kitty," "pussy," "cat," or "beaver" will never make my vocabulary. Never! Anything with a seafood reference gets ousted immediately. So frickin' offensive! And as far as I'm concerned, men can keep all the raunchy dudely sayings that include words like "slapping," "spanking," and "beating." Any man who uses these terms about women has a woman at home who's faking it.

Let's take a look at the girlier phrases on the list.

Cosmetic references bug me. Gross!

  • Applying lip gloss
  • Applying nail polish remover
  • Doing my nails

Domestic goddess terminologies: They're like the Martha Stewart of masturbation phrases (wow, makes you think about her magazine in a whole new light, huh?), but they aren't quite right.

  • Cleaning the kitchen               
  • Defrosting the freezer
  • Dusting the end table
  • Preheating the oven
  • Working in the garden

Food references can be fun, but still tend to come off as a little crude.

  • Butterin' the muffin
  • Having ladyfingers and cream
  • Peeling the peach              
  • Stirring the honey pot

Hilariousness: These ones made me LOL for sure:

  • Coaxing the genie out of the magic lamp
  • Double-clicking your mouse
  • Hitchhiking South
  • Playing poker                
  • Playing the clitar (LOL!)              
  • Sliding into home
  • Touring Tasmania (triangular-shaped Australian island)
  • Twinkling the little star

Sneaky plays on words come a little closer:

  • A night in with the girls
  • Checking the oil
  • Working out at the Y

My top 10 favorites (in no particular order):

  1. Coming into my own
  2. Doing the sweet slide
  3. Driving Ms. Daisy
  4. Finding yourself
  5. Getting to know yourself
  6. Hula-hooping
  7. Manual override
  8. Menage a moi
  9. Nulling the void
  10. Visiting your safety deposit box

Think any of these sayings might stick?

What terminology do you use to describe female masturbation? Or are you just fine with not having a word for it at all?


Image via Fredo in (((Stereo)))/Flickr

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