There is nothing pleasant about spiders. OK, I know that isn't the PC, nature-loving thing to say, but the fact is, spiders terrify a lot of people. And I am among them.
Want to know what else terrifies me? A four-hour erection.
Now, these two horrors of the modern world are colliding into one gigantic terror-fest. Yes, sir. Now you can get your four-hour erection courtesy of a spider bite from the armed spider, AKA banana spider or Phoneutria nigriventer, which is native to South and Central America. According to scientist Dr. Kenia Nunes:
The venom of the Phoneutria nigriventer spider is a very rich mixture of several molecules. These molecules are called toxins, and then we have various toxins in this venom with different activity. Because of this, when a human is bitten by this spider, we can observe many different symptoms including priapism, a condition in which the penis is continually erect.
And now they're telling us this is a good thing.
Ladies, if you're worried about your impotent man trying something like this, don't even give it a second thought! According to the curator of arachnids at the University of Washington’s Burke Museum, Rod Crawford, only 10 humans out of 7,000 have died from its bite. Isn't that comforting?
This is hardly the first weird, slightly unhinged thing that has been proposed as a means to enhance sexual pleasure. Here are a few more:
- Spanish Fly: We've all heard of Spanish Fly, but do we know what it is? It's a powder made from ground-up beetles (YUMMY!). Spanish Fly will cause your man to stand at attention, but not because he's hot and ready. In fact, the toxin in the beetles called cantharidin triggers persistent, abnormal erections in men by irritating the urethra. What is sexier than that, I ask you?
- Cobra: Venom. It does a body good. Well, it at least makes a body horny. Or so they will tell you in Vietnam and Thailand, where they charge up to $200 for cocktails featuring fresh cobra blood (calling Charlie Sheen!). Vendors also place cobras into bottles filled with alcohol and let them ferment over time. Honestly, I don’t WANT to be so horny that I would interact with a cobra.
- Soup No. 5: This soup is from the Philippines and is made of the penis and testicles of a bull. In Jamaica they call it “cow cod soup.” I would call it the stuff I vomited up if I ever tried something so repugnant, but hey, to each his own.
- Blowfish: The deadliest sea creature that can only be prepared by Japanese chefs who are specially licensed is also the sexiest. Who knew? The toxin in the fish is more lethal than cyanide (by a lot) but leaves a tingling sensation on the lips and cheeks that is said to promote sexual arousal. And then you die, natch. A small price to pay, really.
- Caterpillar Fungus: This fungus is a straight-up parasite that invades the brains of caterpillar larva and grows there, eventually replacing native tissue with its own. FREAKY. Today it's grown in various places so that you, too, can enjoy becoming a sex zombie.
Does anyone else think just cuddling seems preferable to these “enhancers”?
Image via cheetah100/Flickr