My Foot Fetish Rubs My Wife the Wrong Way

Quick, spring is coming! Time to get all things love-related in order so you can make lots of hot friends and beautiful babies. Ask Dad will lead the way. What is it you need?

I don't have a foot fetish, but I love getting the occasional foot rub, and love giving one even more. My wife is completely grossed out by feet, mine, hers, and everyone else's. Is there any way to win her over? There's a Chinese foot massage parlor in the neighborhood. Is it wrong if I go have them do it for me -- and don't tell my wife, who I think will somehow disapprove?

You know, starting a sentence "I don't have a foot fetish, but ... " is like starting a sentence "I'm not a racist, but ..." You can bet your house that a whole heap of racism will follow. I think you've got a foot fetish.


Come on! Own it! Live it! A foot fetish is far from strange. Everybody's got some fetish, and if they don't, it just means they are in denial or haven't found it yet. Be glad it doesn't involve nuns playing hot potato with newborn kittens. (Not that I know anyone with such a fetish.)

So stand up and shout it. I am a pedi-phile! Ok, maybe not in those precise words. (What a difference a vowel makes, eh? I remember when I was young and geeky enough to know a bit of Latin, I heard worries about a bunch of pedophiles in the area and wondered "What's wrong with liking feet?") Instead, stand up and shout, "I have a foot fetish!" Though you may want to wait until you leave work.

I'd love to help you out to convince your wife to give you that coveted foot rub or toe suck, but I think you're out of luck. Chances are her aversion runs much deeper than your enjoyment. I think foot-hate -- both their own and their man's -- is pretty common among women. It doesn't matter to me cause I'd just as soon leave them in their boots most of the time, but pretty much every wife or girlfriend I've ever had would never have gone near my feet. It could be because my religion forbids foot-washing, but I doubt it.

Who knows the source of your wife's pedi-phobia? Maybe your lady's father was stomped to death. Maybe she just has a general case of the icks. But either way, it's simply not the kind of thing you can change. And if you somehow wrung a foot rub out of her, chances are it would just make her grossed out and less likely to want to do other, less-fetishy sex acts with you.

However, I think you're on to something with these foot massage parlors you mentioned. In the San Gabriel Valley of Southern California, home of Ask Dad Headquarters, Chinese foot massage places are everywhere, and some are as cheap as $10 a rub. They're as common, and as popular, as dim sum palaces. You should find a way to go to one. And if you can do it while eating dim sum, you'll have yourself a uniquely awesome Chinese experience.

But don't keep it a secret from the lady. I'm not an absolutist about marital secret-keeping, but that's going to be a weird receipt for your wife to discover in the laundry. You'll have a hard time convincing her it's not the kind of place that gives out happy endings for an extra $20. (Actually they do give out happy endings, but it just consists of playing This Little Piggy.) Tell your wife you heard about the place, that you're curious, and you'd like to go together. Maybe for some odd reason she'll do it, and it could lead down the path toward your dreams. Or maybe she'll just give out an "Ew! You can go, but count me out." In which case you're in the clear. 

And barring that, you can deal with your needs the way most good Americans do: through porn. There are many award-winning recent releases to suit your fetish, including Toe Grit, Toe Story 3, The Social Footwork, The Soxer, and The King's Feet. Ok, so those don't really exist, but it would be pretty awesome if they did, right? (I couldn't think of one for Black Swan, dammit. Chime in in comments if you've got one.)

Image via Flickr/Robthemoment

Read More >