Does My Husband Want Us to Be Swingers?

While snow seems to be dumping on most of the country, it is nothing but hot out here in Los Angeles. So let the Angeleno Ask Dad warm your cold, cold hearts. What's giving you chills? 

My husband casually mentioned some people he knows at work who are swingers. He brought it up matter-of-factly, but I detected a note of serious interest! Could my husband actually be suggesting we become swingers!? What do I make of this!?

How fun! I've been wondering when that phenomenon would come back. Martinis, Big Bad Voodoo Daddy, Vince Vaughn, and Jon Favreau when they were younger and skinnier, "you're so money!" I love it! So what are you worried about? Afraid your husband will embarrass you on the dance floor?

Oh, wait. You mean the mustaches, jacuzzis, and key parties kind of swinger. Crap. That's a bit more complicated.


Have you considered that your husband is just being a shameless gossip? Yeah, it's not in the sex stereotypes we have, but most dudes adore them some gossip. I've been in poker games that had more "Oh my God, have you heard?" chatter than sewing circles. It just has to be extra extra juicy, like, say, "Some people at my work are swingers."

But if you think you've got the proper read on your man and he really is intrigued by this possibility, even my worldly self is a little scared for you. Not because of the moral or social implications. I think you should absolutely do whatever floats your boat, even if it flips the thing or floods it with disgusting fluids.

From what I know about swinger culture -- and I assure you it's all very secondhand -- the people involved are very, very, how to put this nicely ... nerdy.

It's not like Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman in Eyes Wide Shut. Think, instead, Will Ferrell and Rachel Dratch in a hot tub. But less cool.

See, it's an intense subculture, and like any subculture -- goths, comic book fans -- it just tends to attract a certain geekiness. This is great if you're looking for details on the origins of The Hulk. Not so much if you're looking for a proper lay. 

If you've ever been a fan of the HBO series Real Sex, which ought to be called All-Too-Real Sex, you maybe have a sense of what I'm talking about. The people -- and God bless 'em for their comfort with their bodies and ours -- are just not that sexy. And they're not Cruise and Kidman in the looks department either.

But if your husband remains intrigued and you're not, try using these excuses.

  • It could destroy your future in politics: Just ask Jack Ryan, whose lurid requests to actress wife Jeri Ryan, according to their divorce records, led him to drop out of the 2004 race for Senator from Illinois. The seat instead was won by an obscure local politician named Barack Obama
  • You could run into someone you know: You think a grocery store bump-in with a co-worker is awkward? Try the moment when you and your cubicle mate reach for the same whip at the sex club.
  • You could love it too much: What if you are just super into it, and suddenly it comes to dominate your life, and it's swing this and swing that, and screw her and screw him, and you're left with nothing to talk about with the family at Christmas? Plus, I'm not quite sure what supplies and costs are involved, but I'll bet it could get expensive, what with the silk robes and lotions and turtlenecks and mustache waxes and Trans-Ams. In this economy, it's best to be thrifty. 


Image via Flickr/Brennaval

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