3D Porn: Mom’s New Nightmare

3D moviesHold on to your vibrators, Mom! Porn is getting the 3D treatment, and it will be available on demand. If you're anything like the toddlers at Tangled this past weekend, you'll be reaching out your hands to get a little touchy feely ... only to come up short on satisfaction.

In fact, we're willing to bet everything that parents have found stinks about 3D cartoons for the kids will be a problem with 3D porn -- and then some.


The Glasses

The kids can't keep them on, and neither can you ... at least not if you like your porn with a partner. Expect to be bumping noses as you try to maneuver your faces for a kiss without hitting plastic on plastic (this is one place where it pays to have previous four-eyed experience). And if you're moving your mouth lower, you'll probably have to take them off entirely. So much for spontaneity.

The Reality

If a giant bird flying at your kid's head is scary, how are you going to respond to a giant penis headed your way? You try ducking without dropping your vibe. Sigh, it looks like it's off to the bathroom to wash it, and all that good build-up was wasted on you.

The Disappointment

It's hard to hide the flaws in a movie when the picture is larger than life, and bad animation is hard to forgive. But that's nothing compared to being up close and personal with a porn star's butt crack only to realize he could use some bleach. High definition TV was hard enough on the porn industry. High def and in-your-face sounds like a disaster of Titanic proportions.

The Headaches

The technology has gotten better, but kids and adults alike report vision problems and head pain from a three dimensional view of their cartoons. Which could mean the end of the night for you: sex can intensify a headache, turning a minor annoyance into a full blown migraine. Sorry honey, you really will have a headache. And he'll be left enjoying the ladies onscreen while you suffer.

Now for the good news. No matter how much 3D porn sucks, the rumors that a woman got pregnant back in May while watching porn in 3D were completely bogus. 3D porn is still offering up safe sex alternatives when you want to feel like there's someone else in the room while you're jilling off.

That can be all bad, can it?

Does 3D porn sound like a bad idea to you?


Image via the odd note/Flickr

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