Glenn Beck may or may not have made a sex tape, but if Beau Friedlander, former head of Air America, ever gets hold of the pundit doing the nasty, we have one request.
And please, please, never speak of it again.
For that matter, if you happen to run across a sex tape from any of these folks, Mr. Friedlander, feel free to throw them on the fire:
1. Richard Simmons: There's only so much sweat that belongs in the bedroom.
2. Spencer Pratt: Someone that in love with himself makes for boring porn.
3. Lindsay Lohan: Porn shouldn't make you cry. For LiLo this might just reach the lowest rung of pathetic.
4. Keith Olbermann: Because "mission accomplished" would take on a whole new meaning.
5. Jesse James: Hey Jesse, we know you're a pig. No need to prove it.
6. Robert Pattinson: His fans are generally too young to hit the porn store, and while there are ladies of age clamoring for R Patz, the news that he's not fond of showering makes this dirtier than we like.
7. President Obama: Leader of the free world does not get to get freaky.
8. Troy Polamalu: The fun's over when you keep having to tell her to get off your hair.
9. Bethenny Frankel: She's the "normal" one. Everyone needs their niche.
10. and 11. Jon and/or Kate Gosselin: Haven't those kids been through enough?
12. and 13. Bristol Palin and/or Levi Johnston: Kids, back away from the shiny flashy money.
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