My Vagina Has a First Name

Vagina candleWe've all heard them. The names that men have for their penises: Spermin' Herman, Bobo, One-eyed Snake, Ralphie, Willy and, unimaginatively (or perhaps wishful thinking), Big Guy.

And men refer to their penises by name in conversation. Bobo can't smell because he has no nose. Ralphie doesn't care if your hair is dirty. Oh, Willy is very alert and standing at attention this morning.

So why don't women name their vaginas?

And I don't mean a slang name like bearded clam, fur burger or see-you-next-Tuesday. And I hate hearing it referred to as my lady bits or my va-jay-jay. I mean a real name like Rochelle or Mildred.

Until recently, I never thought about giving my vagina a name or even referring to it in the third person. It's a part of me. It is me. But I've been thinking maybe I should name it so I can call it something other than my beaver, my pussy or my pink taco.


Besides, a name denotes some importance. I could make up all sorts of celebrations for her: birthday, anniversary and even a coming-of-age party.

So I came up with a few potential names for my vagina. They're in alphabetical order. One of these is what I'm going to start calling her. But I'll never tell which one. Well, I guess I'll have to tell Ralphie.

  • Audrey: Like the flesh-eating Venus Flytrap in The Little Shop of Horrors.
  • Beverly Bossa: Not too feminine but let's everyone know who's in charge.
  • Clitty Clitty: Because Pussy Pussy is too easy.
  • Conchita: I've always wanted to be a Latin lover.
  • C.V.: China Vagina not Curriculum Vitae. Unless my resume is what turns you on.
  • Eazy Weezy: Louise is her given name.
  • Ginger Snapper: Sounds tasty plus uses the word snapper.
  • Jewel: As in the "Crown Jewels". See also: Pearl.
  • Jina: Not to be confused with Geena.
  • Little Lulu: So cute and retro.
  • Margherita: For the Eat Pray Love crowd, a piece of real Italian pie.
  • Pearl: The precious surprise found in an oyster.
  • Princess Leia: For all of you Star Wars fans.
  • Sheila: The girl from Down Under.
  • Tiger Lily: Both a cat and a pretty flower.
  • Tina, Queen of Tacoville: Master of her own domain.
  • Vajeene: A feminized version of Vagina.

Does your vagina have a name? Care to share it?


Image via Zawezome/Flickr

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