Got a question about guys? Ask Dad, and you shall receive (an answer). Today's query:
My husband of 11 years just told me that before we got married, he went to a strip club with friends and got a couple of lap dances. I am angry and confused since we had an extremely active sex life. Why do men do this? Should I trust him or leave him?
Wait. We're talking about something that happened at least 12 years ago? Before you were married? And you're upset?
I agree that getting a lap dance probably wasn't the best decision, but seriously -- this is ancient history. You weren't even married. The fact that you had (?) a great sex life has absolutely nothing to do with it. Women want to link a guy's sexual satisfaction at home with going to strip clubs, but there's just no link, unless, say, he's going every night.
We go, we drink (too much, usually), we look at the pretty boobies and enjoy some male bonding time -- don't underestimate that last one. Group strip club outings are more about having fun with your friends than they are about getting turned on. I bet the lap dances weren't even your man's idea, but were bought for him by his friends so they could watch and laugh at him.
I'm not defending strip clubs. Personally, they bore me after 10 to 15 minutes, and I think a married man has no business frequenting these places, which is why I can't even remember the last time I went to one. I also think that physical contact with a stripper, particularly the simulated sex of a lap dance, crosses the line, which is why many states outlaw such contact.
If I have any concern, it's why he felt the need to confess after all these years. Does he have a guilty conscience or did it simply come up in conversation? Could there be other things he's not telling you? Might be worth asking. You might also want to discuss how you feel about him going to strip clubs now and decide together what you think is appropriate so that this doesn't happen again in the future. Every woman is different -- some don't care if their husbands go to strip clubs, some do. Every couple must decide its own rules.
If this lap dance incident is the only thing shaking your trust in him, you need to give him a pass. It's ancient history and you weren't even married at the time. I say let it go.
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