Why Can't I 'O' From Penetration?

Logan Levkoff
Photo from Logan Levkoff
A CafeMom had a sex question that we've heard before: Is there a way to change how you reach orgasm?

Question: Usually, when I'm having sex with my husband, I have to stimulate myself and have a clitoral orgasm. Can I train myself to orgasm from penetration only and skip the extra stimulation?

For advice, we turned to Logan Levkoff, PhD, a sex educator and author of Third Base Ain’t What It Used to Be: What Your Kids Are Learning About Sex Today and How to Teach Them to Become Sexually Healthy Adults ($7.51 at Amazon).


Logan Levkoff says: "While it's fun (and certainly pleasurable) to experiment with different types of orgasm, it often seems like women get so consumed by having a particular kind of orgasm that we make ourselves feel badly if we have the 'wrong' kind. It's completely okay (and quite normal) for women to only have orgasms via direct clitoral stimulation. Plus, if you spend so much time focusing on the orgasm, you can forget to enjoy all the sensations leading up to it -- or psych yourself out of having them altogether. There's nothing wrong with some extra stimulation during intercourse ... whether it's from your own hands, your partner's, or a vibrator."

In other words, you're built how you're built, and you shouldn't feel bad if you aren't one of the few women who have the perfect storm of vaginas -- clit perfectly placed so it rubs against her partner during penetration, giving her a no-fuss orgasm.

You aren't having a different kind of orgasm because you stimulate your clit -- all orgasms come from clitoral stimulation, whether you do it directly (with a finger, vibrator, tongue, or ... well, let your imagination do the rest). Well, there's the G-spot orgasm, which is a whole 'nother topic -- and takes a little bit of doing.

If you're bound and determined to have a penetration-only orgasm, think first about how you're built. Where do you touch yourself when you want to reach orgasm? How can you get that same spot attention during sex? Maybe you can get on top, but lean all the way forward -- maybe even putting your legs together on top of his -- to grind your clit against him. Or maybe, when on the bottom, you place a pillow beneath your butt to change the angle of contact. Some women swear by vibrating cock rings, like the Screaming O, which give you both stimulation and take your hands out of the picture.

But really, the best advice on this comes from Woody Allen. In the movie Manhattan, a woman tells him, "I finally had an orgasm, and my doctor told me it was the wrong kind." He says, "Really? I've never had the wrong kind, ever. My worst one was right on the money." In other words, are you having an orgasm? Does it feel good? Then it's the right kind. Stop worrying about it!

Do you have different kinds of orgasms?

Have another sex or relationship question? Ask me in a comment below or send an email here, choosing Love & Sex as your subject. I'll work on getting an expert answer.

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