I Have a Kinky Fantasy, But Is It Wrong?

jamye waxman
Photo from JamyeWaxman.com
Sometimes we dream of certain things, but when we imagine bringing them into reality, we worry that they're wrong. This week's question comes from a CafeMom who wants to keep her relationship healthy and still indulge in a little off-center fun. Can she do it?

"Sometimes I want my husband to spank me, gently choke me, and even more when we're having sex. But I was raised to be a strong woman with respect for myself, and my husband is a wonderful, sweet gentleman. Is it possible to want to be held down and role-play a helpless female, and still be a strong, powerful woman in real life?"
 -- Anonymous

Who else would I go to but Jamye Waxman, extreme sexpert and author of Getting Off: A Woman's Guide to Masturbation ($11 at Amazon).


Jamye Waxman says: "Of course it is! Submitting in the bedroom doesn't take away your power at all. In fact, it can enhance it. If you know how to both give and receive pleasure, you’re more likely to be able to continue to dominate outside of sexy times, too. If you ask a professional dominatrix who a majority of her clients were (and I have), you’d find out that they're powerful men who want to strip away their tough exterior and submit to someone to take the edge off. In other words, what you do in your sex life doesn’t have to mirror who you are in the rest of your life. In fact, it can help you create the perfect balance!"

Wise counsel. The key here, as always, is communication. Talk to your husband about how you feel and start slow, with gentle slaps and pinches. You can build up slowly from there. As he sees your sexy response to these unusual activities, he'll be more and more open to the next steps -- wherever you choose to go.

Include him in the purchases of any, er, equipment you think you might need. Sure, it can be fun to surprise him, but if you're worried about him understanding and accepting your desires, it might be easier to talk things over ahead of time -- and see if there's a version of whatever-it-is that he'd be more comfortable with.

The important thing to remember is that fantasy is not reality. Just because you fantasize about it doesn't mean you must act on it. You can wait until you're ready. And just because you fantasize about it doesn't mean you want to be it outside the bedroom. An enlightened man will understand that perfectly -- even if he needs a little help at first!

Now get happy, slappy!

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