Does Penis Size Matter?

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Flickr photo by Mike Kline
This week in He Said/She Said we're talking penis. It's about time, you say?


To get to the bottom of the small vs. large debate, I've employed Brett Berk, author of The Gay Uncle's Guide to Parenting and mastermind behind such articles as Vanity Fair's "Gay Guide to Glee."


Also weighing in is a (very fitting) anonymous lady voice behind truuconfessions. In case you haven't yet confessed at truuconfessions, the beauty of this site is anonymously spilling your guts about your kids, your wedding, your spouse, your job ... in an online forum. Even more fun, anonymously judging others for doing the same.


Let's hear what these two have to say about our weekly question: Does penis size really matter?



He Said:


The short answer is yes. But a one-word answer doesn’t really fulfill the length (ugh!) requirements of this column, or get at the complexities. So allow me to expand (ugh!!).


1) How big? The Argentine Lake Duck has a penis that’s twice as big as its body, proportionally equal to a dude with a 12-foot dick. This is obviously too big for anyone to use in deriving anything resembling physical pleasure. (Visually, it could be interesting; see #3 below.) Bigger is better, but biggest isn’t best. Personally, I like to stick with the rule my mom used to have about the Dagwood-style sandwiches my friends and I would make in third grade: If you can’t fit it in your mouth, how are you going to enjoy it?

2) What comes with that? If a guy’s got good girth, proper proportions, a stunning shot, or a sack of boulders, a lack of length can be forgiven. Up to a point. You want to stay away from any of the following silhouette categories: Soda Can, Candy Apple, Mango, Dreidel, Nutter Butter, Lollipop, Portobello, Umbrella, Wine Decanter, Juice Box, Tulip, Spruce Tree, Cake Stand, Funnel, Isopod, Champagne Cork.

3) How much is too much? My mother had another relevant line: Don’t let your eyes be bigger than your stomach. And while the physiology is exactly right, the idea remains pertinent. Some guys are on an undying quest for that ideal Louisville Slugger that will finally knock them home. Then, when they find it, they’re unable to sit down or eat solid foods for a week. The great thing about the Internet is that it allows you to enjoy the prurient spectacle of enormity -- even, or especially, as it's perpetrated on others -- without the negative side effects. Sometimes, it’s better to be in the audience than on stage. 

She Said:

The "experts" at Masters and Johnson supposedly studied 10,000 rounds of the good ol’ in and out and concluded that size didn’t equal pleasure. Their evidence revealed that the magical powers of the long schlong were just that -- a myth. 

Well, I must confess, I disagree. I think size ABSOLUTELY matters. But let me qualify -- one woman’s perfect might be another woman’s ouch too big or ewwww too small. It’s really like Goldilocks here -- depending upon your criteria for comfort, you and you alone know your justttttt right.  

Case in point: An unfortunate man I dated during college wielded an unseemly and unsatisfying pencil dick. Despite repeated creative efforts, he always left me wanting for more. Honestly, there were times I wondered if he’d actually slipped it in. And this was long before the ravages of childbirth. But shortly after we broke up, I learned that he’d started dating the sorority girl down the hall and left her (and her roommate) quite satisfied over a rainy holiday weekend. So I guess it’s each va jay jay to her own. 

Along with the issue of too thin is the less distressing but equally problematic just too damn big. While a really large and long dick standing at attention is lovely to look at (close up and on the screen), the pain factor can definitely outweigh the pleasure principle. And from my experience with well-endowed fellows who were oh-so-proud of their members, no orifice was safe from repeated exploration. So not only was there the danger of not walking the next day, but a sore jaw, painful bladder infections, and some possible back-door damage. For me, these boys with their big toys like to play hard and play often. 

At the end of the day -- I would have to say that it's really about the whole package being greater than the sum of its parts. With decent proportions (girth to length), a perky, trimmed set riding high, and a man who knows a few tricks or two, all (or most) can be forgiven.

Brett Berk writes gaily about culture, politics, and cars for and is the author of The Gay Uncle’s Guide to Parenting. Visit him at or follow him on Twitter.

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