No Trees, No Sex?

What do you do if you're an English community that wants to stop horny people from shagging in a popular stretch of woods? You cut down all the trees, of course.

Flickr photo by Snorri Gunnarsson
At least that's what the town of Darwen in County Lancashire did. Six thousand trees, nearly 30 acres of forest, gone. Along with the baby. You know, the one who just had a bath.

This story fills my curious mind with questions that I probably wouldn't have if the subject weren't sex:

  •  Who the hell gets busy in the woods? Are there no cars with back seats in this town? No motels? No parents' basements or dressing rooms or golf courses? Okay, sure, some of us have done the deed in the woods. I did it once. Once. Never again. Trust me, the timberland shag is a dicey endeavor: itchy and uncomfortable and not nearly as fun as it sounds. I have this rule about sex: if it ends with me pulling pine needles and moss out of my crack, I'm not interested.
  • What's to keep these tree-snoggers from just finding another patch of forest? Check out the photo in the story. I'm sure they won't just walk 100 yards across the road and do it over there. No, that would be too easy.
  • A police sergeant called all this backwoods boinking "an ongoing problem and very worrying for members of the public." Oh yeah? Wait till they see all these nature-lovers bumping uglies out in the open where the trees used to be.
  • Hey, Darwen, we have this new thing now. It's called the green movement. Perhaps you have heard of it. If not, look it up, and, in the future, read more and raze less.
  • Am I the only one a little put-off to hear all these public officials refer to sex as dogging? Obviously it's slang for sex, but authorities usually eschew such words. By calling it dogging, does one suggest that they know which sexual position these woodland nymphos prefer?
  • Have the Druids gotten wind of this yet? They won't be happy, I assure you, and there are few things more intimidating than a pissed-off Celt.

I'll give Darwen this: on the list of boneheaded attempts to solve a public nuisance, they rank near the top. They've also created a new internet meme to replace the old one about kittens and masturbation:

Every time you screw in the woods, Darwen chops down a tree.

What do you think of this deforestation to prevent a little nooky?

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