Why Can't I "O" When I'm On Top?

Jamye Waxman
Courtesy of Jamye Waxman
Sex positions – they are not all created equal are they? In terms of satisfaction, that is.

When looking through the Answers section on CafeMom, this question jumped out at me:

I cannot orgasm when I'm on top. My husband loves that position, but I have to fake my O. What is wrong with me?

I spoke to sexpert Jamye Waxman, author of Getting Off: A Woman's Guide to Masturbation, to see how she'd handle this not-so-sexy sitch.


Jamye Waxman says: "There's nothing wrong with you, but please stop faking it! Instead, use hands (yours or his) to stimulate your clitoris. If that doesn't work, try a vibrator. There are many small variations you can try, too, like how you angle your body so that you get maximum stimulation. And don’t forget the brain is the most powerful sex organ, so turn it off if you find yourself wondering why you still can’t have an orgasm, and focus on the feelings of fornication instead."

It's true. But I'd ask the original poster: What's with the faking? I'm certainly not judging – I totally understand that sometimes, it's easier to finish than explain. But I'm worried that if you didn't feel comfortable expressing that you couldn't O on top, you won't feel comfortable saying "I'll enjoy this more if I touch myself or use this pocket rocket."

Guys can be fragile creatures, ego-wise. Many men feel it's their job to give you pleasure, and feel like you're taking them out of the loop if you join in the fun. If your guy is like that, assure him that this has nothing to do with his prowess – and everything to do with the layout of your body.

Did I mention my husband is a standup comic? He used to do a bit about the fact that lots of people talk about how different penises look – but nobody acknowledges that vaginas and clitorises have a much, much wider range of appearance. (I just stick my fingers in my ears and go "la la la la" when I think too hard about how he knows that.) For some reason, that little man in the boat is tuck away so tightly, it takes a team of explorers in mining hats to find it. For others, it sticks out like a … sore thumb (sorry for the image, you can thank my DH again).

Anyway, if your DH gets all "hey, that's my job"-y about this, just tell him that though he hits it just right when he's on top, your body's layout makes it harder when you're the one in the saddle. No harm, no foul, and nobody's fault. I honestly believe that once he gets a glimpse of the gorgeous performance of your real on-top O, he'll forget all about his pride and sit back and enjoy the show. One more thing: Never, never tell him you faked it. If he asks why things look so different now, just say your O was always good, but really feels better this way. Your secret is safe with me.

Have you faked an O?

Have another sex or relationship question? Ask me in a comment below or send an email here, choosing Love & Sex as your subject. I'll work on getting an expert answer.

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