All you Doubting Thomas-types, take it from Guerda Maurice: "God is right there ... in your house!"

The Florida resident should know -- Jesus appeared to her on an episode of The Bachelor!

Well, sorta kinda.

See, Maurice was watching The Bachelor when she spotted a tent she thought would be perfect in her very own backyard.

"I said, 'Oh my God, let me take a picture of that tent!"

So she snapped a few pics of her TV with her cell phone, but then the phone went all haywire, "vibrating" and "burning." Maurice thought it was broken, but the phone miraculously turned on again the next morning ... and when she looked at The Bachelor shots, she got the shock of her life:

"I flipped the phone and I see Jesus' picture! And I said, 'Oh my God, where did this picture come from?'"

I can only assume Maurice's Bachelor Jesus came from the same place as Tortilla Jesus and Toast Jesus and Virgin Mary-in-a-Tree ...

Looks like the uproar over Jon Stewart's "vagina manger" jab from last month has yet to die down. Delta Airlines has pulled their advertising from The Daily Show over the joke, which -- in case you missed it -- featured a picture of what was supposed to be a Nativity scene superimposed between a naked woman's legs. Stewart had been discussing how Fox News has no problem declaring that there's a "war on Christmas" or "war on Easter," but thinks the actual war on women is a buncha hooey.

He asked, "What can women do to generate the same sense of outrage from Fox as the removal of decorative slightly poisonous holiday plants? Perhaps they could play into the theme? Maybe women could protect their reproductive organs from unwanted medical intrusions with vagina mangers." Uh oh. How dare he put Christmassy imagery placed "down there!" to make a joke! Surprise, surprise -- Catholic League President Bill Donohue was not laughing.

Violence is almost never the way to solve a problem. But if anyone was ever begging for a punch in the nose, a certain homophobic North Carolina pastor making news today fits that bill. During a Sunday sermon, Berean Baptist Church pastor Sean Harris voiced his support for an anti-gay amendment up for debate in the state capital by telling fathers that they need to punch their toddler sons if they are acting "girly" and "rein in" their "butch" daughters.

Of course now that the Internet has called him out for his vile suggestion that dads crack their son's limp wrists and put his stamp of approval on child abuse straight from the pulpit, Harris is backing off. Don'tcha know he was just kidding?

I don't know why or how David Barton thought that he could go on The Daily Show and NOT end up getting ripped to shreds by Jon Stewart for his warped version of American history, but I guess that just proves what we already knew: The guy is completely delusional.

The "historical reclamationist" was trying to promote his new book The Jefferson Lies, an argument against the modern belief that Thomas Jefferson was an atheist. Or a secularist, or something.

Because, in case you didn't know, "atheist" groups all over the country apparently use Thomas Jefferson as an excuse to ban prayer in schools and take the Christ out of Christmas and do all kinds of other anti-Jesus stuff.

Huh?

"I've never thought of Thomas Jefferson as an atheist," said Stewart, the look on his face adding, "and I'm pretty sure nobody else does either, so WTF are you talking about, man?"

What's the first thing that pops into your head when you hear the words Cardinal Rambo? Maybe you're imagining a trailer for an action/adventure flick starring an aging Sylvester Stallone going undercover as a man of the cloth to expose a network of Vatican mercenaries. If that's the case, you wouldn't be too far off:

Domenico Calcagno is a "top Vatican cardinal" who's earned the nickname "Cardinal Rambo" for his "rich collection of rifles and handguns." 

I swear, you can't make this sh*t up.

The 68-year-old cardinal owns at least 13 weapons; among them, a Smith & Wesson 357 Magnum, a Hatsan shotgun, and several rifles.

Calcagno defends his hobby thusly:

"This passion for weapons is long-standing. I used to go to shooting ranges. Unfortunately since I've been at the Vatican I had to stop. It's innocent. What I like above all is repairing weapons."

There are two sides to every story, and in keeping with that tested-and-proven adage, two versions have emerged describing Thomas Kinkade’s last few hours here on this side of heaven. Initially the painter’s girlfriend, Amy Pinto, tearfully reported that he “died in his sleep, very happy, in the house he built, with the paintings he loved, and the woman he loved.” And we were ready to go with that. Except now, an emergency dispatcher described Kinkade as a “54-year-old male, unconscious, not breathing. Apparently he has been drinking all night and not moving.” 

You would think that in this country in the year 2012 (in the Northeast especially!), the idea that people could be so ignorant and anti-Semitic would be unheard of. But that's sadly not the case. An international musician named Barbara Cadranel, who resides in Stratford, Connecticut, is being fined $50 a day by the board of her condo complex and ostracized by neighbors for displaying a mezuzah (a Jewish prayer scroll in a tiny case, as pictured) on her doorpost.

Jewish law commands that Jews affix a mezuzah to their door frame in exactly the same way Cadranel has hers displayed, to protect the home. The extremely discreet religious symbol is a given at the entrance of a Jewish household. To tell someone who is Jewish that it must be removed is basically the equivalent of an eviction notice, as the Anti-Defamation League spokesperson who is assisting in the case noted to the local news. In other words, this fiasco sounds like a completely obvious, vile case of anti-Semitism.

Can you believe? Da Pope-ah! He'sa get-ah his own cologne-ah! Oh, he's-a gonna smell so nice-ah!

It's true! (I couldn't make this up if I tried.) The Pope is getting his very own custom-made cologne courtesy of boutique perfume maker Silvana Castoli, who's also created scents for the likes of Sting, Madonna and King Juan Carlos of Spain. Apparently the Pontiff's personal blend was inspired by his "love of nature" and contains "hints of lime tree, verbena, and grass."

Mmmm. "Pope. It smells like a ... lawnmower."

What?! No, no, that can't be right. The Pope isn't supposed to smell like verbena and lime tree. He's supposed to smell like spaghetti and meatballs. Like incense and candlewax. Like ... garlic. And maybe just a whiff of mothballs, because, you know, he's not a young guy. (Pretty sure he knew Moses personally.)