Paul Templer was guiding some tourists down a river on the border of Zambia and Zimbabwe when he was swallowed by a hippo. Templer had been paddling upstream to help a duo whose kayak had beached on a hippopotamus's back when things went dark. As he reached his hand out to help those in danger, he was totally engulfed by the hungry bull. Now, 17 years later, he's told his horrifying tale to the Guardian for their "Experience" series.

Hold onto your butts: the 17-year cicadas are set to descend on the East Coast this summer. The disturbingly large but ultimately harmless bugs have big red eyes and have been living underground for almost two decades, but they're ready to come out from North Carolina to Connecticut as soon as the soil temperature reaches around 64 degrees. When it does, billions of cicadas, which will outnumber the population in the affected areas 600 to 1, will emerge to mate and scare the bejesus out of folks unfamiliar with their special kind of drunken terror.

As someone who's lived through cicada invasions of the 13- and 17-year kind, lemme give you a little heads up on what to expect.

I firmly believe there is a special place in hell for people who are cruel to animals, in which case there is an entire room waiting for Andrea Fiegle, who reportedly admits to slashing her dog's throat ... because he wouldn't stop sniffing her daughter's crotch. Andrea seems completely unaware that this is natural behavior for a dog -- especially an unneutered male dog. Even if she didn't know this, what exactly was she protecting her daughter from? A perverted dog? This woman sounds like a complete moron as well as being an absolutely cruel and inhumane [insert several swear words I can't use].

I don't think many people would live to tell about the time they got in a fist fight with a brown bear, but dad Toby Burke has defied the odds. While on a bird-watching hike along the Alaskan Kasilof River Beach with his wife, 11-year-old daughter, 8-year-old son, and 7-month old infant, he and his family were approached by the determined animal in an extremely threatening way.

They raised their arms and made as much noise as possible to scare the bear away, but it kept coming, then bounded right for them.

Mountain Dew is coming under fire for creating "the most racist commercial in history." Woah. That's not something companies generally try for with their commercials. I'd have to add "most misogynist" to that title, too. The commercial depicts a white woman in a neck brace who is limping on crutches and has obviously been beat up, looking through a lineup of black men for the one who beat her. The "joke" is supposed to be that a goat high on Mountain Dew really did it. The goat is also in the lineup. The goat makes a series of threats to the woman, who then becomes too intimidated to pick him out of the lineup, and she runs off. The detective with her shrugs and drinks his soda. I guess this is supposed to be funny?

We've dealt with a lot this week. Between the Boston Marathon bombings, the letters laced with ricin, and the fertilizer factory explosion in West Texas, there's been a lot to digest ... which is why you should soothe your soul with this, the most ridiculous, just-for-fun video you've seen in a long time.

Ever wonder what humans would look like crossing the street like animals? Wonder no more.

Who's got two heads and is sweeping up the Internet in its wave of curly tailed cuteness? This guy! The adorable porker was born in China last week and gave locals and internationals alike a big surprise when it came out with double the trouble. The two-headed pig isn't expected to live long, as any animal who suffers from polycephaly has a shortened life-span, but the good news is the farmers don't plan on slaughtering him like they do his kin. Aww, yay! More time for twice the snorgles and double the kisses.

You never quite know what your fate is going to be when you approach an animal -- no matter how harmless it may appear. The other day we read about the man who was killed by oncoming traffic after he got out of his car to move an injured rabbit off the highway. Now here comes this story of a man who was killed -- by a beaver. The 60-year-old man, who was reportedly fishing with friends in the Eastern European country of Belarus, spotted the cute beaver and decided to have his picture taken with it ...