Folks, the holiday season is upon us. And you know what that means: The War on Christmas in ON. So what's it going to be this year -- are you for or against Christmas? Just to let you know how PRO CHRISTMAS I am personally, I'd like you to know I'm listening to the Charlie Brown Christmas soundtrack right at this very moment. And before that I was listening to CeeLo Green's Christmas album from last year, which was titled CeeLo's Magic Moment. Wait a damn minute! There's no Christmas in that album title. CeeLo, I am issuing you a War on Christmas demerit. Sorry, I know the album is loaded with Christmas this and Christmas that, but you really should have re-thought that album title.
And with that unpleasant task out of the way, it's time to ask ourselves who is winning the War on Christmas? Here's the scorecard so far.
Sarah Palin: WINNING. Why: She just published the soon-to-be-classic tome, The Scrooges Declaring War on Christmas. Also for declaring that she just LOVES the commercialism of Christmas because it spreads the spirit of Christmas. Thanks to Sarah, we may now accurately identify the spirit of Christmas, which I'd previously been mistaking for peace and goodwill to all.
Bill O'Reilly: WINNING. Why: He recently pointed out that Hanukkah is already almost over, so there's really no need to say "Happy Holidays." It's all Christmas, all the time, from here on out.
Public schools that refuse to force kids to sing Christmas carols: LOSING. Why: Because what kind of a way is that to raise a child? I'll just never understand what exactly people have against Christians and Jesus and etc. What did they ever do to the rest of the world, honestly? Don't answer that.
Pope Francis: LOSING. Why: Because he's publicly condemned commercialism -- see above re: Sarah Palin. Also, he refuses all the finery and trappings of Popedom, which is also not very Christmasy. Doesn't he know that Prada shoes = Christmas joy for all who look upon them via the TV?
Jon Stewart: LOSING. Why: For pointing out all the hypocrisies bandied about in the War on Christmas. What a humbug! Can't he just shut up for once and let us enjoy whatever it is we're celebrating at this time of year?
Who do you think is winning the War on Christmas? Oh, I'm sorry -- is that a silly question?
Image via The Daily Show