Bigfoot Does Not Exist -- But These 5 Things Just Might

I'm sorry to burst bubbles here, but Bigfoot does not exist. Researchers can continue to put their far-too-amazing-to-waste-on-this-nonsense brains toward this endeavor. They can examine "horse-like hair," blood, and tissue samples that they can prove belong to humans with DNA that's nonidentical to any other species they've found so far. And terrible videographers can continue to shoot the most grainy footage you've ever seen of these supposed Sasquatches. But you know what they still can't prove? That either the DNA or hairy-looking images belong to a 10-foot tall nocturnal ape-man

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Despite new information released by the Sasquatch Genome Project, which is backed by a whopping $500,000 donation given by a businessman named Adrian Erickson, the one thing they've actually discovered is that the DNA they collected and analyzed belongs to a genetic hybrid. Guys, this is impressive enough. Continue down this path and see what this actually means. But for the love of serious science, please stop trying to insist there's a connection between your findings and a lock of red-brown hair or a really crappy video. And while we're on that subject, why is it that my toddler can shoot a clear video on an iPhone, but people with PhDs can't capture one good shot of Bigfoot, despite hovering the camera just feet from its hairy body? 

Just to show I'm not a total naysayer, here are five things/entities that I feel have a better chance of existing than Bigfoot:

Ghosts. No, not the kind that haunt and wear white sheets. Spirits. I've heard far too many accounts by really stable people of odd things happening to them after a loved one passed away. Televisions that have flickered, alerting them to a smell in the house that turned out to be gas -- that sort of thing. 

Aliens. With so much uncharted territory in space, I find it impossible to believe other beings don't exist. 

Astrology. If you believe nothing in life is random -- especially not birthdays -- then this one becomes easier to swallow. Plus, I'll admit I once read my Birth Chart and every damn thing it said was true -- everything! 

Psychics or mediums. If you've ever been to Atlantic City, you know psychics are a dime a dozen, so it's hard to believe they actually possess powers that the rest of us don't have. But people close to me have visited expensive psychics and the things they've told them could not have been known by just any stranger who has enough money in her budget for a neon sign.

Sea monsters. Scientists are constantly discovering new and even more horrifying species of fish in deep ocean waters. This Proboscis Worm, for example, can grow up to two meters, has pretty much no predators, and will eat your face off, along with anything else it comes across.

Here's the latest video in which Bigfoot is claimed to be spotted in Kentucky:

Do you believe in Bigfoot? 


Images via Amit Patel/Flickr; Joe Goldberg/Flickr; Interdimensional Guardians/Flickr; Divine/Flickr; Sookie/Flickr; Wikipedia Commons

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