Over the weekend people checking into Twitter hoping to hear news of Kate Middleton's labor were instead punished by a truly disturbing image. If you felt a disturbance in the force yesterday, if you heard the sound of screaming all over the world, this is why: Geraldo Rivera posted a nude selfie, sideways, with the caption, "70 is the new 50." Scores of Twitter users were immediately blinded by the sight of Rivera wearing nothing but rose-tinted glasses (indeed ...) and a bath towel tied way too low around his hips. Imagine if Katie Couric did such a thing -- you can't because she wouldn't.
Look, Geraldo. You look perfectly healthy for 70 and we're real proud of you for still being alive and knowing what Twitter is at your age. But you should have asked us to write that caption for you. In fact, dear readers, I think we should have ourselves a little caption contest. No prizes, this is just for fun. We'll get you started with a few of our own.
Now ... are you ready for that photo? I'm warning you, once you see it, you can't unsee it ...
If I drop this towel an inch, you’ll know why they call it “Geraldo at Large.”
With this picture, I’d like to announce my candidacy for the Senate.
Get ready for the biggest exclusive reveal of my career in 3, 2, 1 ...
I've got Al Capone's body right here.
Wanna see what's under my hoodie?
Justin Bieber, put your shirt back on. I got this.
Yo Heidi Klum, meet me on Snapchat!
I got your blurred line right here.
Watch your back, Ron Burgundy.
And here's a few captions for when you retweet this photo -- because obviously you hate the world.
Your day will not get any worse than this. Exact. Moment.
If you can't figure out how to post a selfie right-side up, you're too old to post naked selfies.
Grandpa stop, you're scaring the children.
Kate, do you really want to bring your baby into a world where this exists?
No Geraldo, 70 is still 70.
70 is the new senile.
70 is the nude 70.
There is nothing new about 70.
Here's why clothes were invented.
Eye bleach not included. (Okay, that one was Glenn Beck's.)
Taking the phrase "rose-tinted glasses" way too far.
And finally, the only visual response you can make to this selfie:
Please leave your caption for Geraldo Rivera's selfie!
Image via Geraldo Rivera Twitter