sea monsterForget the Loch Ness Monster. Someone just caught a real-life sea monster! A fisherman in New Jersey came across this terrifying creature that looks kind of like a giant eel -- only worse. And since all fishermen exaggerate about their catch, he took photos to prove how big this thing is. The photos then found their way to Reddit, as all things horrifying eventually do.

Big and SCARY. The teeth on this thing! WTF is that?!? It has TEETH and LIPS. My God, the thing has big, plump, Angelina Jolie lips. Is there anything more horrible than a sea creature that's nothing but tail, teeth, and lips? And what exactly is this thing, anyway?!?

To make things even grosser, the man who caught this thing nailed it with a freakin' bow and arrow, so it's just a gross, bloody mess. The horror. Anyway, we don't know for certain what this thing is, but scientists who've seen the picture think it's a kind of parasite -- excuse me ...

(Leaving the room to scream: OH MY GOD IT'S A GIANT PARASITE WITH TEETH AND LIPS!)

Okay, I'm back. As I was saying, it's most likely a kind of parasite called a sea lamprey, only it's much larger than usual. Why is it so much larger, though? Why? Why so big? What's with the bigness of this horrible creature? This must have something to do with that monster goldfish from last week!

Call me paranoid, but this just has global warming written all over it. This is exactly the kind of scary creature I'd expect to see from rising ocean temperatures. And I just can't wait to take a swim in the ocean, now. Supposedly sea lampreys prefer to suck on big fish (how big?!?), but I'm still awfully nervous.

What do you think this is, and why do you think it's so stinkin' huge?

 

Image via Doug Cutler