Latest Pope Scandal Details Make the Vatican Sound Like Sin City

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popeStrange things are afoot at the Vatican, dude. Even stranger than we thought! I mean, it was weird enough when the Pope resigned in the first place (the first Pontiff to quit in 600 years! I didn't know Popes were even allowed to DO that!), but, you know, since the man is 148 years old (fine, 85), I think we all kind of figured, "Oh well. He's tired."

A plausible excuse. But tired of what, exactly? As the papal plot thickens, we're learning that Benedict XVI's resignation just so happened to come shortly after he received the results (300 pages worth!) of an investigation revealing "blackmail, corruption, and gay sex at the Vatican."

Hold UP, yo.

Does that mean the Pope resigned because he's been covering up for this Sacred Sextravaganza all along and doesn't want to face the choir music? Or does it mean that the Pope knew nothing (or not much) about the scandalous goings-on (because he's really, really OLD) and quit because he didn't want to be stuck cleaning up a mess he didn't make?

And where exactly does the whole sombrero incident fit into this story? Did the Pope ever really bump his head in Mexico?

In all seriousness, though, there are some crazy allegations of the Commandment-breaking kind in this report -- which, by the way, is apparently "bound in red leather" and "being kept in a safe in the pope's Vatican quarters." (You can't make this stuff up, I swear.) It took a panel of three cardinals months to compile the massive document, which consists of "dozens and dozens of interviews with bishops, cardinals, and lay people." We're talking a full-on "underground gay network whose members organized sexual meetings in several locations, including a villa outside Rome, a sauna in Rome's Cuarto Miligo district, and even in a beauty salon inside the Vatican." And god -- whoops, I mean God! -- only knows what else those pages reveal.

Maybe they'll end up being the next bestseller. (Fifty Shades of Catholic, perhaps!)

Do you think the Pope resigned because he was covering up the scandal or do you think he really didn't know about what was going on?


Image via Sergey Gabdurakhmanov/Flickr

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