The State of the Union Address 2013 was on tonight, but if you missed it, have no fear -- I’m here to recap it for you. It can be hard to keep everything the president says straight, especially when he says things that directly contradict with other things he’s said or done in the past. So just for fun, let’s take some of his best lines of the night and match them up against his record, shall we?

There were too many shady statements to mention them all here or I’d bore you as silly as if you had actually watched the speech. For the sake of brevity, let’s just go over the top 13 things he said that made me snicker, guffaw, or face-palm.

1. On what built America:

It is our unfinished task to restore the basic bargain that built this country -- the idea that if you work hard and meet your responsibilities, you can get ahead, no matter where you come from, what you look like, or who you love.

Huh. What happened to you didn’t build that? Last summer, Barack Obama said, “If you’ve got a business, you didn’t build that. Somebody else made that happen.” Specifically -- government. Because no businesses ever existed before the Federal Highway Administration.

2. On Medicare:

And those of us who care deeply about programs like Medicare must embrace the need for modest reforms – otherwise, our retirement programs will crowd out the investments we need for our children, and jeopardize the promise of a secure retirement for future generations.

Modest reforms? Obamacare cuts Medicare by $716 billion. That’s hardly modest.

3. Speaking of Obamacare …

Already, the Affordable Care Act is helping to slow the growth of health care costs.

 Then why are people’s insurance rates going up?

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4. About that budgeting:

Let's agree, right here, right now, to keep the people's government open, pay our bills on time, and always uphold the full faith and credit of the United States of America.

The Democrat-controlled Senate hasn’t passed a budget in almost four years. How long has Obama been in office again? Since we’re on the subject, I feel the need to point out that under Obama’s leadership, our country’s credit rating has been downgraded for the first time in history.

5. On Oil:

After years of talking about it, we are finally poised to control our own energy future. We produce more oil at home than we have in 15 years.

Yeah. Thanks to leases made by President Bush before Obama took office. President Obama has done nothing but hinder domestic oil production by instituting drilling bans, shutting down the Keystone Pipeline, and blocking access to oil, among other things.

6. On Housing:

Part of our rebuilding effort must also involve our housing sector. Today, our housing market is finally healing from the collapse of 2007. Home prices are rising at the fastest pace in six years, home purchases are up nearly 50 percent, and construction is expanding again.

Home prices are rising at the fastest level since 2007 because the falling prices have finally stagnated. Tell me -- is your house worth as much as it was in 2007? Mine sure isn’t.

7. On preschool:

Tonight, I propose working with states to make high-quality preschool available to every child in America.

You know, because state-run schools are so awesome. *insert eye roll here*

8. Run for the border:

Real reform means strong border security, and we can build on the progress my Administration has already made – putting more boots on the southern border than at any time in our history, and reducing illegal crossings to their lowest levels in 40 years.

It’s almost kind of sad that the economy is so bad that illegals aren’t even bothering to sneak into the country for work anymore. Also, I have a hard time reconciling this statement with the whole Fast and Furious thing. Just saying.

9. Raising the minimum wage:

Tonight, let's declare that in the wealthiest nation on Earth, no one who works full-time should have to live in poverty, and raise the federal minimum wage to $9.00 an hour.

Let’s raise it to $50 an hour! Prosperity for everyone! Wait, businesses can’t afford that? What about the ones that can’t afford to pay $9? They should go out of business? But then what will those people do for jobs? Oh, never mind. Food stamps.

10. On foreign relations:

All this work depends on the courage and sacrifice of those who serve in dangerous places at great personal risk – our diplomats, our intelligence officers, and the men and women of the United States Armed Forces.

RIP Chris Stevens, Sean Smith, Tyrone Woods, and Glen Doherty. You guys made the ultimate sacrifice in Benghazi.

11. On gun control:

Just three weeks ago, [Hadiya Pendleton] was here, in Washington, with her classmates, performing for her country at my inauguration. And a week later, she was shot and killed in a Chicago park after school, just a mile away from my house. … Hadiya's parents, Nate and Cleo, are in this chamber tonight, along with more than two dozen Americans whose lives have been torn apart by gun violence.

By all means, let’s enact strict gun control laws like the ones that have in Chicago, where this murder took place … oh wait.

12. On voting:

We should follow the example of a North Miami woman named Desiline Victor. When she arrived at her polling place, she was told the wait to vote might be six hours … Desiline is 102 years old.

What the heck is wrong with the people of North Miami that they wouldn’t let this poor woman cut in line? Have some respect for the elderly, people!

13. Final thoughts:

God bless you, and God bless the United States of America.

Finally. We agree. God bless this great nation. The state of the union might not be any better than when Obama took office four years ago, but my prayer life has never been stronger.

Did you watch the State of the Union Address? What did you think?


Image via geetarchurchy/Flickr