The following is a (pretend) excerpt from "Diaries of an Anonymous U.S. Customs Official," soon to be published by Nobody:
"Dear Diary, today sure was a weird one at work. I mean, I've seen some crazy things go down at Chicago's O'Hare Airport before, but nothing like this. All's they told me about that bag from Italy was somethin' about a glitch in paperwork and no biggie but could I run it through the X-ray machine when I had a minute? And of course I said, 'Sure, no biggie,' cause that's what I always say, cause it's my job. But if I'da known what was gonna show up on my X-ray machine, I'da run straight outta there! Maybe I woulda told my boss I had to use the washroom, then hit the expressway and hightailed it home! Mosta the time, I just see stuff like gym shoes or Bears jerseys on that screen -- not 18 severed heads. Eighteen severed heads?! I almost dropped my bottle of pop on the floor, I was in such a state of shock!"
Okay, so we don't actually know the particular customs official who was lucky enough to identify the creepy cargo, but I think it's safe to say whoever did was like, "All in a day's work?! They can take this job and shove it!" Apparently the heads, which came from Rome, were headed to a medical research facility in the Chicago suburbs ... which is currently "under investigation" (hence the hold-up). Reps insist the investigation has nothing to do with the heads. Because also apparently -- and maybe you know this, but I did NOT -- plastic-wrapped human heads with "skin still attached" are considered perfectly appropriate cargo.
Said Brian Bell, a spokesman with the U.S. Department of Homeland Security:
There’s no issue with the transportation of body parts for medical purposes. There’s nothing against the law that says you cannot ship them, provided you have the right documentation.
Everybody here is ‘Oh my gosh, you got a box of heads’ and everybody thinks that it’s unheard of .... It is a potentially legitimate medical shipment. We’ve seen it at various ports in the nation.
Wow. That's fricken horrifying. I mean, I guess there's nothing to be afraid of, really, because a box of dead heads can't actually hurt you (Dead Heads are waaaay too stoned to get into much trouble, man), but ... I just find it slightly odd. The last time I accidentally forgot to take a pair of nail clippers out of my carry-on, I got a full patdown and interrogation. But 18 HUMAN HEADS can go through baggage claim in a snap?
What would you do if you opened a bag at the airport and found it filled with human heads?
Image via Brady Wahl/Flickr